


Perfect

by MEF11



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-03-23 08:33:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13783719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MEF11/pseuds/MEF11
Summary: Just another college AU. Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris are a couple of kids trying to figure it all out: Friendship, family, love, loss, and everything else that comes with growing up. I listened to a lot of Ed Sheeran's "Perfect" while thinking up this story. You'll see.





	1. Annoyed

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is! This first chapter has a bit of set up so I promise you it picks up a bit in chapter two. Mount Vernon is a real town in Washington but the college is entirely made up. I'm really excited about this one so I hope you'll stick around for it! Thank you so much for reading!

Sunlight filters in through the tree branches, casting shadows across the calm, sleeping face of newly 19-year-old Ali Krieger. Her long dark hair, parted down the middle, cascades over her shoulders, her head resting against the window, knees bent so her feet rest on the car seat. The curves in the road jostling the sleeping girl slightly as her mother drives along the rural Washington State roads.

 

Ali’s mother Debbie pats her lovingly on the thigh, “Honey, put your legs down. It’s not safe.”

 

Ali just shifts in her seat to turn further away from her mother, her eyes still shut but her face now wears a pout.

 

“Alex, if we were in an accident you’d never walk again. Now put your feet on the floor.” Debbie scolds gently.

 

Ali groans and drops her feet to the floor with a thud, as she shifts again and sits up straight. “Guess I’m done with my nap.” She grumbles.

 

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I wasn’t trying to ruin your nap. Just doing a mother’s job and protecting you.” Her mother replies cheerily. Debbie isn’t bothered by a grumpy teen, just awakened from her nap. Ali is a sweet girl, a good student, kind and responsible. But attitude comes with the territory at this age and Ali’s mother simply chooses to ignore it in this moment. 

 

“Where are we?” Ali asks, taking in the moving scenery before her.

 

“We’re about twenty minutes from Mount Vernon. Maybe you can text your aunt Shelley and let her know?”

 

Ali pulls out her iPhone and sends a text to her aunt just like her mother asked, then syncs her Bluetooth with the car stereo so she can play DJ for the rest of the drive.

 

Twenty-three minutes later, Debbie turns down a long, winding drive, each side surrounded by big grassy fields. As they reach the old house, the open grass runs into the line of evergreens marking the start of the small woods that runs behind the house.

 

“Shelley’s done such a great job with this place.” Debbie muses. “It was a very different place when Grandma grew up here.”

 

“Were you sad at all when she remodeled it so much? It probably doesn’t feel like the place you guys used to spend summers and Christmas and stuff.” Ali asks.

 

“Yes, and no.” Debbie responds. “It doesn’t feel the same, but that’s because it’s not the same. It’s not Grandma’s house anymore, its Shelley’s and she needed it to fit her needs. And thankfully she decided mostly to restore it, with a few upgrades.”

 

“It’s kind of cool that I’ll get to spend some time here too. Like you did.” Ali says with a grin to her mom.

 

“It is pretty cool.” Debbie says meeting Ali’s eyes a moment before putting the car in park.

 

Before Ali has even opened the car door, she can hear the squeal of joy from her aunt. Shelley wraps Ali in a hug as soon as she’s able, patting her cheek lovingly as she pulls away.

 

“My sweet girl is finally here!” Shelley gives Ali another quick, one-armed squeeze.

 

“I think you mean _my_ sweet girl, but yes she is!” Debbie says with a laugh.

 

Shelley has two sons of her own and while she loves them both beyond measure, she had always had a special bond with her only niece. Shelly and Debbie are very close, and when Ali had announced that she wanted to leave Virginia and go to college in Washington State, the only thing that kept Deb sane was knowing that she’d be near her sister. Debbie was beyond thrilled when Ali settled on the school that was even in the same small town where Shelley resides.

 

Debbie had been buying much of what Ali would need for school and dorm life online and having it shipped to her sister. Shelley had then sorted, organized and packed it up to make the moving process easier. Debbie and Ali had flown from D.C. to Seattle where they had taken a couple days for some mother-daughter bonding before taking their rental car to Mount Vernon where Ali would be attending Washington University. The pair had now finally made it to Shelley’s house, the night before Ali’s move-in day.

 

The three women spent the evening going through all of Ali’s things, packing them into the SUV Debbie had rented, and crying. Ali tried mostly to ignore the waterworks, but every now and then her mom or aunt would say something that would remind her that everything in her life was changing.

 

That night Ali curled into her mother’s side as they shared the queen-sized bed in the guest room. It had been many years since Ali had cuddled up to her mother like that, but in that moment she felt small and vulnerable, craving the love and protection only her mom could provide.

 

“Okay, sweetheart, I’m here whenever you’re out of laundry money or get tired of dining hall food, or just miss your Auntie.” Shelley says with a kiss to Ali’s forehead. “And I’ll see you this evening.” She says looking to Debbie.

 

“Love you, Aunt Shelley.” Ali says with an excited smile as she climbs into the SUV.

 

“You too, honey.” Shelley says. She closes Ali’s door for her.

 

Debbie opens her door to find a pocket pack of Kleenex on her seat. She picks it up and rolls her eyes at her sister. “Cute!”

 

“You’re welcome.” Shelley’s face breaks into a satisfied grin.

 

And with that, Debbie and Ali head down the long driveway, terrified and ready for Ali’s next chapter.

 

***

 

“Hey! Welcome to Sanders Hall! I’m Jack, your RA.” A young man with a beard greets Ali excitedly. He’s got kind eyes and a warm smile, but Ali can sense a slight awkwardness. He wants to be liked and relatable so he’s trying just a little too hard on day one. A very pretty blonde girl stands next to him. She’s wearing a Washington University sweatshirt and has an arm linked through one of Jack’s.

 

“I’m Betty.” The blonde introduces, her tone is a bit more relaxed than Jack’s. “I’m Jack’s girlfriend. Not an official RA but I’m excited to help out.”

 

Ali feels a little overwhelmed. She’s never had trouble with new situations, always willing to jump right in, but something about today makes Ali nervous.

 

“Uh, hi.” Ali says with a weak smile. “Alexandra Krieger.”

 

Jack looks at his clipboard to find Ali’s room number but Betty jumps in. “Oh! I know where your room is. I just put some welcome gifts in there for you and Sydney. I’m headed back up to the third floor now, I can show you if you’d like?” Betty offers.

 

“That would be great, thank you Betty.” Deb says. She can see Ali freezing up a little. “We can go find your room first and then start bringing stuff up.” She says with a reassuring pat to Ali’s back. Ali just nods and takes the set of keys that Jack holds out to her.

 

Sanders Hall is essentially two, three-story buildings connected by an elevator bank. Each floor has its own exterior entrance: two heavy, metal doors, painted black and accessible by key fob. The doors are opposite each other, and across a concrete landing that runs in front of the elevator. There is a nearly identical set of doors on the opposite side of the building, the only difference being that the landing doesn’t connect to the big concrete staircase that leads to each floor. The landing on the other side merely connects the two buildings. The door to the left leads to the girls’ dorms, the door on the right to the boys’.

 

“There are elevators on both sides, the one on the back of the building is less busy.” Betty says pointing at the red elevator doors. “To be honest, no one uses them after move in unless they sprain their ankle or something.” She adds.

 

Ali nods as she follows Betty up the cement staircase. On the second floor they meet a large sky bridge that connects the dorm with the lounge building.

 

“That’s the lounge.” Betty points out. “Second floor is where the laundry rooms are so this is the best way to get there. First floor is the kitchen, and the media room. You’ll get a tour of all that tomorrow.”

 

Ali looks down and notices a nice patio area behind the lounge. There’s a bit of green space with a couple of benches, and some tables and chairs on the patio. Ali can see herself spending time out there studying when they have sunny days. She knows Washington can be overcast much of the year so she knows she’ll want to take advantage of the sun whenever she can.

 

When the reach the top floor, Betty has Ali open the door with her key fob and then holds it open for her and Deb.

 

“This first door on the right is your room!” Betty says excitedly.

 

Ali looks at the already open door, “Alexandra” and “Sydney” are written in glitter puff-paint on foam sheets in flourish-y handwriting that Ali can only assume is Betty’s. Taking in the room, Ali finds one half is nearly setup already. The bed is made, desk is set with cute stationary and supplies, and the top of the dresser with the mirror above hold two Lucite makeup organizers and a set of drawers already filled with products and brushes. While the walls are devoid of pictures or posters, there are a selection of them laid out on top of the bed, and a neat stack of empty boxes sits on the floor.

 

The small room is rectangular with the door on one short wall and two windows and a radiator against the other. Across one long wall are two wardrobes, placed across from the foot of each bed, then two dressers with a mirror above each. Each wardrobe and dresser are flush against each other, but there is about six inches of space between the two dressers, marking one side of the room from the other. The beds run again the short walls, one under the windows and the other stops just before the door. Across the other long wall are the two desks, and between them, a shelf with room for a mini fridge below it. The mini fridge is missing as Ali and her roommate decided she would bring it, if Sydney brought the microwave, which currently sits on the lowest shelf. The middle shelf holds a plastic cup, bowl, plate, and single set of silverware, and the top shelf has granola bars, fruit snacks and a bag of wasabi almonds.

 

The small floor space behind the desks, and in front of the dressers is covered in a lilac colored area rug, which compliments the deeper purple of Sydney’s bedding. Sydney had sent Ali a picture of the rug to get her opinion on it, so Ali had picked pale purple sheets and a simple gray comforter to coordinate.

 

“Hi!” A voice greets from behind them.

 

Ali turns to find a smiling Sydney walking towards her, arms wide. “You’re here!”

 

“Hi!” Ali greets back happily. “It looks great in here!”

 

“Oh, thanks.” Sydney says with a bit of a sigh. “It would look better if I had realized all the walls were painted cinder block. I brought thumb tacks.”

 

“At least it’ll be hard to accidentally burn the place down.” Ali quips.

 

“Yeah, with all the candles we’re not allowed to have.” Sydney huffs. “I’ve had mine confiscated already.”

 

“They weren’t confiscated.” Betty chimes in. “We just asked your mom to take them with her when she leaves.”

 

Sydney rolls her eyes and Betty laughs. “I’ll leave you guys to it.” Betty says. “But come find us if you need anything!”

 

“I didn’t read any of the stuff they sent about move-in, obviously.” Sydney says as soon as Betty is out of earshot.

 

This time it’s Debbie who laughs. She sticks a hand out to Sydney and introduces herself. “Hi honey, I’m Alex’s mom, Debbie.”

 

“Sydney.” She says taking Deb’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you.” Sydney smiles sincerely. “My mom is here too.” She adds. “Well, she will be. She went out to solve my thumb tack problem but she’ll be back soon.”

 

“I’ll look forward to meeting her when she gets back then.” Deb smiles.  “Alex, sweetie, I’m going to go bring up some stuff.” She pats Ali on the shoulder as she heads for the door.

 

“Oh, yeah, okay.” Ali says following after.

 

“No no. You stay here and get to know Sydney. I can handle the first trip by myself.”

 

Ali and Sydney had been in touch most of the summer after getting their room assignments and hit it off right away. Ali knew Sydney would be a little wild judging from her Instagram account, but in the kind of way she thought would be good for her. This was college, as much as studying hard and doing well was important to Ali, so was experiencing new things and enjoying herself. Now more than ever, she valued making the most of every single day she was given. And that meant letting loose every now and then.

 

Sydney makes Ali feel like they’ve been friends forever and the pair easily fall into conversation. Sydney fills Ali in on useful tips for unpacking, and tells her she saved her the locker next to her’s in the bathroom.

 

While Sydney catches Ali up, Deb is making her way back to the third floor with three boxes. When she reaches the elevator on the front side of the building, the doors are just closing, so she heads around to the back. She’s surprised to find she’s the only one there and with an empty elevator waiting. Entering from the door on the other side of the hall, she makes her way through the U shape of the hallway and is relieved when she sees “Alexandra” on the door at the end of the hall. The door is only open a crack, but she pushes through and immediately sets the boxes down on the desk inside the door.

 

“Okay, maybe three boxes was too many to start with.” She says taking a deep breath. “Wait, Alex did you move your desk?”

 

“Um…no?” A striking brunette who is _not_ Debbie’s daughter responds.

 

“Oh!” Deb says in surprise. She takes the room around her in and realizes that she’s not in the right place. “Oh my goodness!” Debbie shakes her head. “I’m in the wrong room! I’m so sorry girls! I saw “Alexandra” on the door and just—oh this is embarrassing.”

 

“Hey, it’s okay!” the other Alex says with a laugh. “You didn’t know there were two of us.”

 

Debbie smiles at her appreciatively, taking in the scene before her. Alex sits cross-legged on her bed, a magazine before her. A quiet blonde girl sits up on the bed opposite her, focused on a sketch book in her lap. Their room didn’t just look fully set up, it looked lived in. Deb couldn’t help but ask.

 

“Looks like you girls made short work of unpacking! It looks good in here!”

 

“Thanks.” Alex says. The blonde from the other bed looks up for the first time to smile appreciatively. “We actually took our sweet time though. We’ve been here all week.” Alex explains.

 

“Oh! I didn’t know anyone was allowed to be here before today.”

 

“You have to submit a request.” The blonde offers quietly.

 

“I see.” Debbie nods in understanding.

 

“Yeah,” Alex adds, “my parents own a winery and vineyard in Napa and September is a crazy month with crush happening and stuff. It was a lot easier for them to help me make the move if they could do it on a weekday. They’re pretty lenient if you’re out of state.”

 

“What about you, sweetheart?” Deb asks looking to the blonde.

 

“Oh. Uh,” The girl looks a bit surprised to have a question directed at her. “I drove here. I saved up all last year to buy a car. I figured it was better to plan to get here early so if anything went wrong and I got delayed, I’d still be on time.”

 

“Sounds like quite the drive.”

 

“From Florida.” The quiet girl breaks her serious expression by letting slip the tiniest proud smile before quickly schooling her features again.

 

“That _is_ quite a drive. Did your parents drive with you too? I think my Alex was pretty of sick of me by the time we got here and we only drove from Seattle.”

 

“Uh, no.” The girl says glancing back at her pad of paper. “They weren’t able to make the trip with me.”

 

“You did the move yourself?” Debbie asks, trying not to sound surprised.  The blonde girl only nods.

 

“Are you guys from Seattle?” Alex asks.

 

“Virginia, actually.” Deb says still looking at Alex’s roommate. “We decided to fly into Seattle and have a little vacay before all this school craziness started.”

 

“That was a good idea.” Alex replies. “It’s been kind of nice here this week. Sort of like being at summer camp or something.”

 

“Was it just the two of you?”

 

“Pretty much.” Alex says, “There are a couple of international students on the other side of the hall, but they’ve been busy training with the soccer team.”

 

“Well I suppose that gave you girls a chance to bond?”

 

“Oh, yeah. Ash loves me now. Sometimes I can even get her to laugh.” Alex teases her stoic roommate.

 

“Good.” Debbie says with a smile. “Well I think I’ve bothered you girls enough. Alex is probably wondering what’s taking me so long.”

 

Deb picks the boxes up off of the desk, the smallest of the three sliding rapidly towards the floor. Without missing a beat, both Alex and her roommate jump from their beds to help. The blonde reaching Deb first and taking the top two boxes from her.

 

“I can help you across the hall with these.” She says with a small smile.

 

“I’ll come too.” Alex says holding the door open. “I want to meet the other Alex.”

 

The trio walk the short distance across the hall, and Deb pushes open the door that is slightly ajar.

 

“Knock knock!” she greets. “I brought you new underwear _and_ some new friends!”

 

Ali’s eyes go wide at her mother’s comment, and wider again as she sees a very striking blonde in a muscle bearing tank top holding her belongings, including an open box with a pink and red shopping bag poking out of the top.

 

“Please tell me you didn’t ask them to help you?” Ali asks with mild panic in her voice.

 

“No, I didn’t ask.” Debbie says rolling her eyes. “I accidentally wandered into their room and they offered.”

 

“You what?!”

 

Alex starts laughing at Ali’s mortified expression. “It was an honest mistake.” She explains. “I’m also Alex. She saw the sign on the door.”

 

“I’m really sorry.” Ali says.

 

“Don’t be. Your mom is pretty cool.” Alex says with a reassuring smile.

 

“Don’t let her hear you say that.” Ali jokes.

 

“So, you’re an Alex too?”

 

“You can call me Ali. Alex is mostly just for family and friends from elementary school.”

 

“Oh that’ll make it easier.”

 

“I’m still calling you Alex.” Debbie adds.

 

“I know, mother.” Ali says with an eyeroll.

 

Ali now approaches the blonde who hasn’t said a word, still holding her boxes in her arms.

 

“Sorry. I’ll take those.” Ali reaches to take the boxes, her hands brushing the other girls. Their eyes lock just a moment too long. Ali looks down to break the moment, glancing at the Victoria’s Secret bag on top.

 

Ali blushes and turns away with the box.

 

“You made a stranger carry my underwear?” Ali glares at her mother.

 

“She’s not a stranger!” Debbie says patting Ashlyn on the shoulder. “This is—oh honey! I never got your name!”

 

“Ashlyn.”

 

“Thank you.” Deb says to Ashlyn. Then turning back to Ali, “ _Ashlyn_ carried your underwear, sweetheart. Not a stranger.”

 

“Mom, have you ever heard the saying ‘you only get one chance at a first impression?’”

 

“I don’t know what the big deal is! This is college. You live in a dorm. Twenty of you girls all share one bathroom. By the end of the year you’ll have seen a lot more than each other’s underwear.” Debbie finishes with a smirk.

 

“Mom!” Ali says in horror.

 

“I think I’ve seen that one.” Sydney mutters under her breath.

 

“What?” Deb feigns ignorance as she looks at Ali, but she’s fully aware of what she’s said.

 

“Can you _not_ make my freshman year sound like some co-ed fantasy you can buy for $24.99 on pay-per-view?” Ali says dryly.

 

“Oh honey.” Deb gives Ali a look of pity. “Everyone knows people are streaming their pornography these days.”

 

At this point, Sydney is wiping a literal tear away and Alex is doubled over with laughter. Ashlyn leans against the door frame watching Ali with a smug look on her face.

 

“Okay, I’m going to get more stuff now.” Ali huffs and heads for the door.

***

 

A few hours later after Ali and Debbie and Sydney have everything set up, Deb makes her tearful good-bye. All parents are asked to leave campus by 5pm on the first day so that the students have a chance to get adjusted without them. Many parents stick around the first week, but the school encourages them to let their kids spend New Students Week on their own. Debbie, ever the rule follower, has a flight out the next evening. She hugs Ali tight and reminds her to call once a day.

 

Not long after Debbie’s exit, Jack makes his way around the hall to ask everyone to meet him in the green space behind the lounge at 5:30pm for a Sanders Hall Floor Three meeting.

 

“How long do you think this meeting will take?” Alex asks joining Sydney and Ali in the circle forming on the grass. “I’m going over to my boyfriend’s place tonight and I want to get out of here.”

 

“Isn’t it mandatory for everyone to stay on campus tonight?” Ali asks innocently.

 

“Aw, Al.” Sydney throws her arm around Ali’s shoulder. “You’re so sweet.”

 

“Okay everyone!” Jack calls for the group’s attention. “Welcome to Sander’s Hall Floor Three! I’ve met you all at this point, but we haven’t all gotten the chance to know one another yet.”

 

“Oh god.” Ali mutters in annoyance, sensing what’s coming next.

 

“So,” Jack continues, “we’re going to play a getting to know you game.”

 

“We’re not in fucking high school anymore.” Ali whispers angrily. “I thought we were done with this kind of shit.”

 

“Maybe she’s not so sweet after all.” Alex whispers to Sydney with a look of gleeful surprise.

 

“I seriously hate stuff like this.” Ali crosses her arm over body and narrows her eyes at Jack as she resigns herself to waiting her turn.

 

“So you’ll give your first name, and a word that describes you that starts with the same first letter of your name. For example, I might say ‘joyful jack.’ Then please tell us where you’re from and what you want to study.” Jack finally finishes explaining the game.

 

When they’re about halfway around the circle, Ashlyn saunters up to the group, shoving her hands in her pockets as she joins them.

 

“Ashlyn! Great! You made it!” Jack greets enthusiastically. Ashlyn just raises her eyebrows at him. “We’re playing a game, but I think you’ll get the gist of it by the time it’s your turn.” Jack reassures.

 

They continue around the circle, Ali forcing a smile along with her answer, her body language conveying just how much she doesn’t want to be there. A few more people and it’s Ashlyn’s turn.

 

There’s a long pause where Ashlyn doesn’t say anything. “Go ahead.” Jack encourages.

 

“Annoyed Ashlyn.” She deadpans.

 

“And where are you from?”

 

“Florida.”

 

“And what are y—hey! Wait!” Jack calls after Ashlyn as she casually turns away and walks off.

 

Ali can’t help but grin.

 

Later that night Ali stands at her wardrobe rearranging some of her clothing in the drawers. She thinks about the moment she locked eyes with Ashlyn earlier that afternoon. She thinks about how she seemed distant, how there was a sadness in her eyes, but it was locked away somewhere. Ali knew nothing about this girl yet found herself thinking quite a lot about her and wondering if maybe she’d be able to find out what was lying beneath the surface of the aloof, blonde beauty.

 

The sound of the exterior door shutting with a solid thud startles Ali. She looks up to see Ashlyn, dressed in all black, walking backwards toward her room. She’s pulling a giggling brunette along with her by both hands. Ali tries not to be too obvious as she watches them. They way the brunette turns into Ashlyn as she stops to unlock the door. The way Ashlyn pushes the door open and steps aside to let the other girl in first, how she hadn’t bothered to turn the light on.

 

Ashlyn catches Ali’s eye briefly and shoots her a wink before disappearing into the dark room and kicking the door shut behind her.


	2. Enigma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you are! I hope you are enjoying this one so far! As always, thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think!
> 
> Come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

Ashlyn Harris is an enigma and Ali desperately wants to figure her out. Of course, she also doesn’t want to let on that she wants to figure her out. She tries to play it cool, but she and Ashlyn have locked eyes more than once in passing so Ali suspects she knows _something_. She just hopes that Ashlyn doesn’t know _what_ that something is exactly.

 

“Do you have a crush on her or something?” Sydney asks grabbing Ali’s toothpaste from the sink and squeezing some onto her toothbrush.

 

“What?” Ali asks, not registering the question at first. She had been distracted watching Ashlyn through the mirror as she passed behind them, freshly showered and wrapped in a towel. She could have sworn she saw Ashlyn smirk just as she fell out of sight. Suddenly Ali comprehends Sydney’s words. “No!” Ali rolls her eyes. “Syd, a crush? Really? We’re not in middle school.”

 

“Okay well you were staring awfully hard.” Sydney replies with a mouthful of toothpaste.

 

“I’m just always surprised she has so many tattoos. She’s 18! How has she had enough time to accumulate all of those?” Ali says in a hushed voice. The bathroom echoes and the last things she needs is for Ashlyn to hear her talking about her.

 

“In some places you can get a tattoo at 16 with a parent’s permission.” Sydney says with a shrug. “But I don’t know if it’s really that many. I mean the writing on the shoulders count as one, and the one on her arm isn’t even finished yet.”

 

“Yeah but she has that one all down her side too. I guess you could get all of those done in a year, but how would you afford it? Tattoos are expensive.”

 

“Wait, she has a side tat? How do you know this?” Sydney eyes her.

 

“Don’t give me that look, Sydney!” Ali says with narrowed eyes. “She was the one roaming the halls in a sports bra and basketball shorts.”

 

“Whatever you say, Krieger.”

 

“I have boyfriend, remember?” Ali says putting her toiletries back in her locker.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with looking.” Sydney says heading for the door. Ali follows behind her.

 

“I’m not looking!” Ali scoffs.

 

“Well, sure.” Sydney says like it’s obvious. “She’s not around right now.”

 

***

 

New Student’s Week had felt a lot more like summer camp than college. Every day there was some kind of tour, floor meeting, or mandatory activity to go to. There were also a lot of optional activities to attend, but Ali preferred to just stay in the dorm if she wasn’t required to go. Most things were boring, but they had heard a couple of cool guest speakers. This included an actually funny stand-up comic, and a woman who was a doctor of some kind who spent her career focusing on love and relationships. Her talk was both funny and moving, and covered a lot of the “how to keep yourself safe with other people now that you don’t have parents and teachers watching your every move” thing.

 

Ashlyn only attended about half of the mandatory events and when she did show up, it was late. She’d walk in slowly, casually, hands stuffed in her pockets, and head directly for the back row of the bleachers to sit next to some cute girl. She’d pat Jack on the shoulder as she passed by him, ignoring whatever half-hearted warning he tried to offer up. Ali was certain that Ashlyn’s aloof confidence could get her in or out of any situation.

 

Ali never saw the girl who stayed over with Ashlyn that first night come by the dorm again. Twice Ashlyn returned to her room around three in the morning, a backwards hat atop her messy hair, and once with her t-shirt inside out. Ali had been on her way back from the bathroom both times, and when it happened the second time, Ashlyn had looked at her a bit inquisitively.

 

“Pee at three” Ali said in a sleep-heavy voice with a shrug. Ashlyn had been so tickled by this that she actually threw her head back in laughter a moment. Ali just smiled and opened her door. “Sweet dreams.” Ashlyn had said before she closed her own.

 

Other than whatever she did at night, and showing up late to mandatory events, Ashlyn also chose to spend most of her time at the dorm. If Alex was around their door was always open, music blaring from the speakers set up on Ashlyn’s desk. But if Alex was away with her boyfriend or the Volley Ball team, Ashlyn kept the door closed. Every now and then Ali would catch glimpses of her. Like when she was strolling down the hall in her sports bra and shorts or the day she saw her leaning against her desk eating a bowl of cereal at four in the afternoon as Alex was on her way out.

 

Sanders Hall turned out to be a good group of girls. Ali didn’t talk to the girls on the other side of the floor much, but they all seemed to keep to themselves more anyway. But their side of the hall is a lot of fun. The first room belongs to Ali and Syd, who balance each other out perfectly. Syd is a little wild, always cracking jokes and thinking up things to do. Sweet, driven Ali is game for just about anything, but always makes sure her responsibilities are taken care of first and encourages Sydney to do the same. Next door to Ali and Sydney are Kelley and Emily.  Both Kelley and Emily are full of energy without ever seeming high-strung. They were high school friends who had requested each other for roommates, and quickly acquired the nicknames Thing 1 and Thing 2. At the end of the hall are the international students from Brazil, Camila and Monica. These two are always dancing and singing around the halls, and it isn’t uncommon to hear music coming from their room, only to find Monica strumming on her guitar as both girls sang along. Despite the slight language barrier, both were eager to befriend everyone and love when the girls gather in their room to hang out and join their party. 

 

In the room directly across from Kelley and Emily are Tobin and yet another Alexandra. Allie is tall and beautiful and looks a lot more like model than a college freshman. Allie likes pulling pranks on the girls about as much as she likes showering everyone with unending affection. She’ll always greet you with a hug even if you’ve only been gone a half hour, but she also might hide out in the bathroom for 45 minutes just for a good jump scare. Her roommate Tobin, on the other hand, is the epitome of laid back. She’s easy to get along with and can often be found skate boarding around campus. Everyone joked that she doesn’t own shoes because nine times out of ten, when you find Tobin, she’s barefoot.

 

Of course, in the room directly across from Ali and Sydney was Alex and Ashlyn. Alex is charming even if she occasionally has an attitude. She and Allie both play for the school’s volley ball team and the pair had become fast friends. Alex was always busy with the team or hanging off campus with her sophomore boyfriend, but she was the ticket to all the big parties on campus.

 

And then there’s Ashlyn. The mystery.

 

On the last Saturday of New Students Weeks, a handful of the girls decide to go to the one-screen movie theater in town for $5 movie night.

 

“We’re going to the movies tonight.” Kelley says as she jumps up and grabs the stop of Ali and Syd’s doorframe, swinging there for a few seconds.

 

“Shouldn’t there be a party tonight?” Sydney asks.

 

Kelley swings herself forward and launches herself onto the floor. “I guess the big one is next Friday. It’s tradition or something.” She shrugs.

 

“Movies it is then.” Sydney says.

 

“I’m game!” Ali adds.

 

“Tobin and Emily are coming too. Alex and Allie have some volley ball thing. I don’t really know I wasn’t paying that much attention.” Kelley explains.

 

“Did anyone ask Ashlyn if she wants to come?” Ali asks.

 

“No, but I will.” Kelley says turning around and walking straight to Ashlyn’s door.

 

She knocks on the door and can hear Ashlyn shuffling around inside before she pulls the door open. When she does, the room is dark save for the glow of the laptop screen sitting on her bed.

 

“Hey Kelley.” Ashlyn nods.

 

“A bunch of us are going to the movies tonight, you wanna join?” Kelley asks.

 

“Who all is going?” Ashlyn asks back.

 

“Me and Emily, Tobin, Syd and Ali.” Kelley replies. “Krieger, not Long.” Kelley clarifies.

 

Ashlyn just nods in understanding.

 

“It’ll be fun.” Kelley encourages.

 

“Yeah.” Ashlyn agrees. “I would but I’m meeting someone later.”

 

Ali, who is sitting on the end of her bed listening intently, thinks Ashlyn actually sounds disappointed to not be able to go.

 

“Bummer.” Kelley says. “Next time.”

 

Ashlyn nods and Kelley gives a small wave as she turns away and Ashlyn closes the door behind her.

 

Ali has to fight the rush of disappoint she feels as she stares at Ashlyn’s door on their way out.

 

That night after they’ve all returned from their night out, Ali lays in bed thinking about the distant sadness she sees whenever she and Ashlyn lock eyes. She rolls over to see the glaring red numbers on her alarm clocking read 3:37 just has she hears the thud of the exterior door closing. Then, for the third time that week, Ali swears she hears two faint knocks on her wall before the unmistakable click of Ashlyn’s door.

 

***

 

Ali’s first day of classes go about as she had expected. Professors hand out a syllabus, take questions, go over the textbooks and say something about how “this is college, so we dive right in.” She takes roughly 20 minutes of notes before the instructor finally lets the class go. What Ali doesn’t expect is to come back to the dorm to find Ashlyn sitting in her room with the door open, when Alex isn’t around.

 

Ali looks in at Ashlyn as she heads for her door, dropping her eyes to the keys in her hand when Ashlyn meets her gaze.

 

“Hey Ali.” She says from her bed.

 

“Oh, hey.” Ali says looking up, trying not to seem flustered.

 

“How was your first day?”

 

“Good.” Ali says with a smile. “Pretty boring.” She amends. “What about you?”

 

“About the same.” Ashlyn says with a small smile of her own. “Do you have any more classes today?”

 

“Nope. You?”

 

“I have a 7pm anatomy lab.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Anatomy? Really?” For some reason this surprises Ali.

 

“I like science.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

Before Ali can respond Sydney arrives back from her own classes, bursting through the door with a loud groan.

 

“Oh. My. God.” Sydney says with an eye roll. “I am _starving._ ”

 

“You want to go to the dining hall?” Ali asks unlocking the door for them.

 

“Yes!” Sydney cheers.  She immediately throws her bag on the floor by her desk and turns back to the door to leave. “What about you, Ash? Hungry?” She offers.

 

Ali puts her belongings away and grabs a sweatshirt. She’s pulling it over her head when she’s hears Ashlyn accept the invitation.

 

“Sure. I should eat before my lab.”

 

Ali is grateful that her face is hidden in the gray fabric of her sweatshirt, so Ashlyn and Sydney can’t see the look of shock on her face.

 

Ashlyn doesn’t say a whole lot as they walk through the dining hall filling their trays. Ali heads for the salad bar and Ashlyn joins her, while Sydney goes to the grill.

 

“Think you’ve got enough beets there?” Ashlyn comments as Ali puts yet another heaping helping of beets on her salad.

 

“Nope.” Ali answers with a smile. “Never enough beets.”

 

“They taste like dirt.” Ashlyn says shaking her head.

 

“No they don’t!” Ali is genuinely offended. “They’re sweet and not dirty at all!”

 

Ashlyn stifles a small laugh. “They all say that in the beginning.” Ashlyn mutters with a smirk.

 

A still grinning Ali drops her jaw at Ashlyn’s comment but doesn’t say anything.

 

They pair finish up at the salad bar and continue wandering around the dining hall. Ali grabs a half sandwich and Ashlyn takes a whole. She also grabs a slice of pizza and a cup of soup.

 

“You don’t even have room for all of that on your tray!” Ali laughs when Ashlyn tries to fit an apple next to the bottle of orange juice she grabbed.

 

“Yeah, but you do.” Ashlyn smiles mischievously as she places the apple on Ali’s tray instead.

 

In the dining room, Sydney has grabbed them a table and three girls enjoy their meal together. Ashlyn is quiet at usual, but listens actively, asking questions here and there. Ali tries not to stare too hard but takes in all the little things about Ashlyn that she can. The way she crosses her legs and leans forward on them when she’s listening intently, how she chews on her bottom lip when she’s thinking something over, or how the sadness in her eyes seems a little further away when she laughs.

 

They head back to the dorm together and Ashlyn thanks Syd and Ali for asking her to come before disappearing into her room again, closing the door behind her.

 

Later in the week, Ali comes back from the bathroom to find Ashlyn standing at her door, drawing a rather impressive flower on her dry erase board.

 

“That’s really pretty.” Ali says, amazed that Ashlyn had created something so lovely with a dry erase marker.

 

“I guess it’s on the right door then.” Ashlyn says casually. With that, she turns and exits the floor.

 

On Friday, Ali sits on her bed reading her history textbook, a notebook open in her lap. Her nose is crinkled in concentration as she scribbles notes onto the paper in her lap when Ashlyn comes in and hops up on the end of Ali’s bed. She leans back against the wall and watches Ali a moment. Ali looks up, her face breaking into a smile at the sight before her.

 

“It’s Friday, Al.” Ashlyn says.

 

Ali’s heart beats just a little faster at the nickname.

 

“That it is.” Ali responds.

 

“Why are you doing homework?” Ashlyn puts her hand on top of Ali’s notes.

 

“Hey!” Ali protests. She hopes Ashlyn can’t see the flush she feels when their fingers brush against each other.

 

“It’s _Friday_.” Ashlyn repeats.

 

“I’m aware.” Ali laughs.

 

“Okay, we’re just going in circles here.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Rumor is there’s a big party tonight.” Ali states.

 

“And?”

 

“And I want to be able to enjoy it. That means getting a head start on my homework.” Ali explains.

 

“How responsible.”

 

“I try.”

 

“Well by all means...” Ashlyn gestures back to Ali’s text book.

 

Ali laughs lightly and turns her attention back to her book. Ashlyn settles in a little more at the end of the bed, crossing her legs and leaning back again against the wall. They sit like this for a few minutes, Ali working away and Ashlyn just hanging out, when Ashlyn’s phone rings. She reaches into her pocket and lets out a little sigh when she reads the contact.

 

“Hey, mom.” Ashlyn answers.

 

Ali can only hear Ashlyn’s end of the conversation. She tries to focus on her book so Ashlyn won’t know she’s listening.

 

“Yeah, it was good.” Ashlyn pauses to listen. “I’m just hanging out in my friend Ali’s room.” Ashlyn continues.

 

Ali feels like she could burst. Ashlyn was so hard to read that she didn’t really know what she thought of her. She wanted to be Ashlyn’s friend, but couldn’t really be sure that Ashlyn wanted the same thing. To hear her say it so casually was better than Ali could have imagined. Ali is so caught up in her own thoughts about what being friends with Ashlyn means that she misses Ashlyn ending the call.

 

“Maybe I’ll see you at this party tonight.” Ashlyn says, pulling Ali from her thoughts.

 

“Yeah.” Ali nods. “That’d be cool.” She cringes internally at her awkwardness.

 

Ashlyn stands and gives Ali one last look before she exits the room, knocking twice on the wall on her way out.

 

Later that night, All the girls on this side of Sanders are getting ready for the party. Doors are open, and music is blaring. Kelley and Allie and Sydney flit in and out of each other’s rooms, borrowing items of clothing or asking opinions on their looks as they get ready. Alex stops by every dorm and gifts each girl two airline bottles of Grey Goose.

 

 “Congrats on making it through the first week!” She chimes.

 

Sydney immediately cracks two bottles and hands one to Ali.

 

“To our first _real_ college party!” Sydney says holding up her bottle.

 

“To both of us making it home in one piece.” Ali adds. They clink their bottles together before bringing them to their lips. Sydney chokes hers down gracelessly, cringing and coughing as she sets down the still half full bottle.

 

“Ugh. I need a chaser to finish that.”

 

“I don’t.” Ali says with a sassy smirk. She downs her bottle easily and sets it down empty.

 

“Impressive.” Ashlyn says from the doorway.

 

“What can I say? She’s got skills.” Ali says with a smug look.

 

Ashlyn pretends to write in her hand. “Drinks vodka like water. Got it.”  She shoots Ali a wink before she leaves without another word.

 

About 9:30 that night, all the girls are filing into the hallway to head to the party together. Ali’s just pulled the door closed when her phone starts ringing. She looks at the caller ID and sends it to voicemail but as they stand there waiting for all the girls, it rings again.

 

“Ugh.” Ali groans in frustration.

 

“What?” Sydney asks in concern.

 

“I’ve got to take this. It could be a minute.”

 

“I’ll wait for you.” Sydney says.

 

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll meet you guys there.”

 

“You shouldn’t walk by yourself, Ali.”

 

“I promise I’ll be fine.” Ali reassures. “Save me a drink.”

 

Sydney nods reluctantly as Ali slips back into their room.

 

***

 

 

After finally hanging up the phone three hours later, Ali changes into sweatpants and a t-shirt. She downs her second bottle of Grey Goose and decides she needs to go outside and get some fresh air. Knowing that no one ever uses the door on the other side of the hall that connects to the boys’ hall, Ali makes her way down the hall to other exit.

 

“Oh!” Ali says, startled when she finds Ashlyn leaning over the railing on the landing.

 

“Ali.” Ashlyn grins at her.

 

“Sorry. I didn’t know anyone was out here.”

 

“It’s okay.” Ashlyn says taking a drag off a cigarette. “I don’t mind.”

 

Ali steps closer to Ashlyn, standing back just a couple of feet.

 

“Those will you kill you, you know.” Ali says pointing to the cigarette in Ashlyn’s hand.

 

“Oh yeah. Totally gross habit.” Ashlyn agrees.

 

Ali has to admit she’s surprised. She didn’t ever see Ashlyn leaving for a smoke break, and she never smelled of smoke. But Ashlyn certainly looked like she knew what she was doing as she stood there leaning over the railing a bit. Ali didn’t like smoking and definitely considered it a deal breaker on dating someone, but she did occasionally fall victim to the cool, edgy appeal created by film and television. She didn’t want to think it, but Ashlyn looked good standing there.

 

“Says the girl with the cigarette.” Ali rolls her eyes.

 

“I don’t smoke anymore. Only when I’m drinking do I sometimes get that craving. Then I go buy a pack, smoke three and I’m good for a long time.” Ashlyn explains.

 

“You’re only eighteen and you’ve already got like 20 tattoos and kicked a smoking habit. How does that even happen?”

 

“Hm.” Ashlyn nods in acceptance. “There’s not a lot to do where I’m from. You hit 16 and then you hang out with whoever was lucky enough to have a car, smoking in the beach parking lot and drinking beer you paid your older brother to buy for you.”

 

“I see.” Ali says in understanding. “So you quit because you came here?”

 

“Sort of. It lost its appeal when I started focusing on getting here.”

 

“And why here?” Ali asks. “I mean you’re a Florida girl. Wouldn’t you have wanted to go somewhere sunnier like California?” Ali teases.

 

“Oh definitely.” Ashlyn says seriously. “That was the goal actually.”

 

“So how did you end up in rainy Washington?”

 

“I went to the place furthest away, that offered the most money.” Ashlyn says with a dry laugh.

 

Ali nods and reaches to take the cigarette from Ashlyn’s hand. Ashlyn thinks she’s going to put it out, so her eyebrows shoot up when Ali holds it to her lips and takes a small, cautious drag.

 

“Those things will kill you, you know.” Ashlyn says.

 

Ali shrugs. “I just want to be able to say I’ve tried it.” She hands the cigarette back.

 

“So why didn’t you make it to the party?”

 

“Oh.” Ali’s face falls.

 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Ashlyn says kindly. “You don’t have to answer that.”

 

Ashlyn opens the denim jacket she’s wearing and pulls a can of beer from the inside pocket. She pops the top, takes a drink and hands the can over to Ali. Ali takes a big gulp and meets Ashlyn’s eyes for the first time since she’s been outside.

 

“My boyfriend called.” Ali finally answers.

 

“You don’t make that sound like it’s a good thing.”

 

“It’s complicated.”

 

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

 

“We want different things.”

 

“So why are you with him?” Ashlyn asks.

 

Ali takes another drink of beer and hands the can to Ashlyn who does the same.

 

“I’m not sure how to leave.” Ali says honestly.

 

A long silence falls between them, but it’s comfortable. Ashlyn puts out her cigarette and her and Ali finish their beer.

 

“So why did you leave the party?” Ali breaks the silence.

 

“There was no one there I wanted to hang out with.” Ashlyn answers.

 

“So hanging out here was better?” Ali asks skeptically.

 

“Much.” Ashlyn replies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> What do you think went on with Ali and her boyfriend? Why did Ashlyn come back from the party?
> 
> Let me know!


	3. Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! As usual, thank you for being patient and waiting for this. I really wanted to get this posted but also really needed to get to sleep so this is the first time I've posted without editing and I really hope it's not terrible. 
> 
> This chapter does come with a trigger warning as it includes a scene with a male trying to force himself on a girl against her will. It is not overly graphic, but I know this is a very sensitive subject so please proceed with caution. It starts when the characters reach the bathroom, so if you're looking to avoid it, you should stop reading there. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think!

“This Halloween party is going to be  _ epic _ .” Sydney says excitedly. “Thank god for Alex and her stupid popular boyfriend because it is  _ not _ easy to get invited to these things.”

 

“Yes, thank god for Alex.” Ali agrees a bit sarcastically.

 

“You’re welcome!” Alex calls from her room.

 

“You cannot bail on this one, Kriegs.” Sydney says with a warning look. “If boyfriend calls, you send his ass straight to voicemail because this is a college experience I am not letting you miss out on.”

 

“Actually, about that…” Ali starts.

 

“Don’t tell me you’re bailing already!”

 

“No! No, uh, actually Jacob is going to be here that weekend.”

 

“You mean ‘here’ as in he’ll be in town, or ‘here’ like he’ll be in our room?” Sydney asks.

 

“I told him I would talk to you. He doesn’t need to stay here if you’re not cool with it. My aunt has guest rooms.”

 

“No, it’s cool. I’ll just make myself scarce.” Sydney says with a wink.

 

“Oh.” Ali looks startled at Sydney’s insinuation. “No.” Ali shakes her head. “No, that’s not going to be happening.”

 

“You don’t need to be shy, Ali.” Sydney smirks at her friend. “You haven’t seen your boyfriend since, what? End of August? It’s okay to want a little  _ alone _ time.”

 

Ali just smiles uncomfortably and goes back to folding the pile of laundry on her bed.

 

Ashlyn comes in and hoists herself up to sit on the foot board of Ali’s bed. She grins at her, a bit mischievously before throwing herself backward into Ali’s laundry pile.

 

“Hey!” Ali cries, but she can’t hold back her laughter.

 

“Ooh it’s still warm!” Ashlyn says wiggling into the pile and pulling the clothes on top of herself.

 

“You’re ridiculous.” Ali sighs.

 

“But you like me.”

 

“Whatever.” Ali grabs another shirt to fold and hopes that Ashlyn can’t see the slight blush on her cheeks.

 

Ashlyn closes her eyes and Ali continues with her folding. By the time she’s done, Ashlyn is asleep. Afternoon naps on the end of Ali’s bed have become more and more frequent and secretly loves it. She loves that Ashlyn will leave her own room and comfortable bed to sleep quietly beside her as she works. She loves the way she hangs her feet over the wooden railing at the end of the bed, watching as she shakes a foot up and down methodically to soothe herself to sleep. Ali always knows she’s out when the vibration of her leg finally stops. Ali puts all of her clothing away and carefully climbs on top of her bed and sits next to Ashlyn, her legs crossed and her knee just brushing the top of Ashlyn’s head. She grabs and her laptop and starts working on her homework, every now and then glancing down and her sleeping friend with a small smile.

 

Sydney had taken off for her three hour night class and left Ali and Ashlyn alone for the time being. The volley ball girls and international students were at practice for their respective sports’ teams, and a few of the other girls were having a study session at the library. The floor was unusually quiet and it gave Ali butterflies to think about spending another quiet night with just Ashlyn like she had the night of the First Week Party. Part of her wants to gently rouse the blonde so that they can talk, and part of her wants to enjoy the closeness they’re sharing for as long as she can.

 

Ashlyn stirs. She rolls from her back to her side, and lifts her head to rest it on Ali’s thigh. She tucks her arms in, under her, her hands folded near her face. Ali laughs lightly but let’s her snuggle in closer.

 

“I’m cuddling you because I’m cold, not because I like you.” Ashlyn mumbles sleepily.

 

“I think you do.” Ali says smugly.

 

“I think I do too.” Ashlyn mumbles again before Ali feels her head get heavier against her leg as she falls asleep again.

 

***

 

“Hey I brought you lunch from the dining hall.” Ali says as she balances a tray in one hand trying to get her keys out of the door with the other. Once her keys are free she leaves the door ajar about six inches.

 

Jacob watches Ali from her own bed, a look of mild annoyance on his face.

 

“Can’t we go out?” He asks. Ali sets the tray on the desk beside him and he stares at it.

 

“I told you I’ve got another class.”

 

“Ugh.” Jacob sighs exasperatedly. “Really, Alex?”

 

“What do you mean ‘really’? This is a University, Jake. Going to class is kind of the whole deal.” Ali tries to joke.

 

“You can skip.”

 

“I can’t.” Ali shakes her head. “This professor is a stickler for attendance. Unexcused absences cost you.”

 

“So?”

 

“So” Ali repeats “I want to do well in this class.”

 

“Oh come on.” Jacob rolls his eyes. “It’s not like it really matters.”

 

“It matters to me.” Ali says defensively.

 

“Oh that’s right.” Jacob says with annoyance. “Getting this degree is  _ so _ important to you even though you don’t need it.”

 

“I do need it if I want to get a job in the field I’m interested in.”

 

“I don’t want you working when we have kids, Alex.” Jacob says sternly.

 

Ali sighs in frustration. Jacob hadn’t been supportive of Ali’s choice to go to college in the first place, trying to convince her instead of working at the preschool his aunt owns in their hometown. Ali had put her foot down and threatened to break up with him if he couldn’t support her, so he’d decided to just placate her. He didn’t view her education as important, it was merely a waste of time. He’d made a lot of little quips here and there since she was accepted at the school, and Ali had tried to just ignore them, hoping they could deal with later.

 

“I guess it’s a good thing we don’t have any kids then.” Ali bites out.

 

“Hey.” Jake scolds. He rises from the bed and comes toward Ali, getting as close as he can to her. “Don’t talk to me like that.” He says very slowly, holding his face just inches above her’s.

 

“Sorry.” Ali mutters. She tries to back away, but Jacob reaches out and grabs Ali’s wrist, and yanks her back into him. Ali tries to stifle her yelp of pain.

 

“You don’t sound like you mean it.” He closes his grip on her wrist a little tighter.

 

“I am.” Ali’s yes are wide, her voice hushed and hurried. “I’m sorry, Jacob.”

 

He holds her stunned stare, the grip around her wrist still strong.

 

“Jake.” She whispers.

 

“What?” He asks through clenched teeth.

 

“You’re hurting me.”

 

“Hey, Alex!” Ashlyn greets chipperly as she pushes Ali’s door open all the way. “You ready to go?”

 

Jacob drops Ali’s arm like it’s burned him and steps back quickly.

 

“Oh, sorry.” Ashlyn says with a friendly smile “I’m Ashlyn.” She hold her hand out to Jacob.

 

“Jake.” He takes her hands and shakes it firmly, eyeing her as he does.

 

“Alex has told me a lot about you.” Ashlyn says smiling now at Ali. “So are you ready to head out?” Ashlyn asks again. “You still wanted to get there a little early to talk ask about the paper right?”

 

“Uh, yeah.” Ali is confused as to why Ashlyn is there and what she’s doing but she knows she’s grateful and she knows she wants to leave that room. “Yes.” Ali says again with more assurance. “Just let me grab my bag.”

 

Jacob watches Ali as she grabs her bag and swaps out textbooks and notebooks and throws it over her should. Ashlyn watches Jacob.

 

Ali smiles at Ashlyn who holds the door open and gestures for Ali to go first.

 

“Alex.” Jacob says. He steps toward her again.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Have a good class.” He leans in and kisses her on the mouth slowly.

 

“Thanks.” Ali mutters and hurries out the door.

 

Ashlyn locks eyes with Jacob and holds his glare as she pulls the door closed behind them.

 

Once outside, Ashlyn falls in step beside Ali as she walks along in silence. She doesn’t mention anything, or ask any question. She just walks beside Ali so she knows she’s not alone.

 

Halfway across campus Ali stops abruptly.

 

“Why did you call me Alex?”

 

“What?” Ashlyn asks, confused as to why they stopped, and as to why Ali looks angry.

 

“Why did you call me Alex?” She crosses her arms over her chest as she wait for her answer.

 

“It’s what your mom called you before we met. I kind of always think of you as an Alex.” Ashlyn answers.

 

“But you’ve never called me that before.”

 

“I haven’t.” Ashlyn agrees.

 

“So why did you start today?”

 

“You’re boyfriend does.”

 

Ali just stares at her, imploring with her eyes for further explanation.

 

Ashlyn sighs and runs a nervous hand through her hair.

 

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think he had something over you because he’s known you longer or calls you by another name.”

 

“I don’t understand.” Ali’s tone softens now.

 

“Al, he wasn’t being very nice to you.”

 

“I know.” Ali drops her gaze to her feet, her hand instinctively going to the lingering red mark on the wrist that Jacob had held.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Ali nods but won’t look up from the ground.

 

“Hey.” Ashlyn says soothingly. She throws her arm around Ali’s neck and pulls her into her for a moment. Ali wipes at her eyes with her sleeve and plasters a big smile on her face. She looks into Ashlyn’s eyes, searching for something there and not sure what it is she sees.

 

“Thank you.” She sniffles.

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

The pair continue on to the large brick building at the end of campus, stopping just outside the main entrance.

“Are you going to be late for a class?” Ali asks “You know. Since we don’t actually have this class together.”

 

“Maybe.” Ashlyn shrugs. “But the prof loves me so she’ll let it slide.”

 

“Oh right.” Ali teases. “Everyone loves you.”

 

“You do.” Ashlyn teases back.

 

“Oh, we’ve gone from like to love now? Someone certainly thinks highly of herself.”

 

“It’s okay, Krieger. Your secret is safe with me” Ashlyn whispers.

 

“I don’t know, maybe it’s you who’s in love with me…”

 

“Maybe.” Ashlyn shrugs again as she walks backwards down the sidewalk, shooting Ali a wink beore she turns around.

 

***

 

“I love the costume, Ali.” Emily says when she enters the hall where the girls are gathering to head to the party.

 

“Thanks!” Ali grins. She’s wearing a white, strapless dress with a tulle skirt with glitter sprinkled lightly over the fabric. The skirt stops just below her knees and she’s paired the dress with a set of light pink fairy wings.

 

Emily and Kelley are wearing pajama onesies of unicorns in pink and purple, Alex is dressed as Wonder Woman, Allie as Super Girl, and Tobin is wearing a wetsuit. Ashlyn is the last to join them wearing black jeans, a black t-shirt, black boots and a black snapback.

 

“And what are you supposed to be?” Ali questions.

 

“Oh. Hold on.” Ashlyn says running back to her room for a second and returning with a cat ear handband that she places over her hat. “There.” She says with a satisfied smile. “I’m going as my favorite thing.”

 

“I thought you said you were a dog person?” Ali asks.

 

“I am.” Ashlyn says with a smirk.

 

Before Ali can respond to Ashlyn’s comment Sydney comes in from outside in her short black flapper dress and feather headband. “Rides are here! Let’s go!”

 

Everyone starts to filter out but Jacob, sans costume, holds Ali back a second.

 

“Is your friend Ashlyn really into girls?” Jake asks.

 

“Does it matter?” Ali asks back, not interested in dealing with her boyfriend right now.

 

“I knew I didn’t like the way she looked at you.” He grumbles.

 

“What?!”

 

“I don’t think you should hang out with her.”

 

“You’re being totally ridiculous, Jake. She’s my friend and if you don’t want to hang out with her, then you can stay here tonight. But I’m going to go have a nice time.” Ali turns on her heel and heads for the door without waiting for a response.

 

The party is at a house off campus and while it’s close enough to walk, the rain was heavy that night so the girls had decided to call a couple of Ubers to pick them up instead. They arrive at the party to find things in full swing. The dining room in the house it occupied by two tables set up for beer pong, with a large white board in between them where people can sign up to play. Every counter in the kitchen is covered in booze and the fridge is filled entirely with beer, in addition to the keg on the kitchen table. The party is BYOB but most people just deposit whatever they bought in the kitchen with the understanding that it’s more of a free for all as long as you bring something with you. All the furniture in the living room has been pushed up against the walls so the room can be used as a dance floor. In the backyard, there’s another beer pong table and a firepit set up on the covered patio.

 

Ali takes in the epic party and instantly feels overwhelmed. She reaches out to grab the hand of the comforting hand beside her and gives it a squeeze. When she feels one in return she turns to meet Ashlyn’s eyes with an appreciative smile.

 

“You want me to grab you a drink?” Ashlyn yells over the noise.

 

Ali nods. Ashlyn looks to Jacob to ask him as well.

 

“Beer.” He replies.

 

“Be right back.”

 

Jacob leans in close to Ali’s ear. “Don’t get to crazy tonight, okay?”

 

“It’s a party, Jake. Let’s just have fun!”

 

“Sure.” He smiles at Ali and pecks her on the cheek. “But not wild. It’s not a good look.”

 

Ali deflates just a little but tries to shake it off as Ashlyn returns with drinks in hand.  She had three beers tucked under one arm while also managing to carry three red solo cups in her hands. Ali reaches out and takes the cups so Ashlyn can hand out the beers.

 

“Shots?” Ali asks as she looks at the small amount of clear liquid in the red, plastic cups.

 

“Vodka.” Ashlyn nods.

 

Ali downs hers quickly and stacks her cup with Ashlyn’s before handing it to her. Ashlyn drinks hers with a little less grace than Ali scrunching up her face a moment before taking a long swig of her beer. Ali turns and holds the last cup out to Jacob who shakes his head. Ali just shrugs and takes his shot too.

 

“Atta babe.” Ashlyn commends, holding her han out for a high five.

 

But before Ali can reach her hand someone swoops in and grabs it.

 

“Ash!” A very drunk girl in a sexy bee costume squeals. She instantly wraps her arms around the blonde’ neck. It takes a moment but Ali recognizes the girl as one of Ashlyn’s conquests from New Students’ Week.

 

“Oh, hey.” Ashlyn says cooly, her hand dropping to the girls wasit.

 

“You have to dance with me!!” The girl doesn’t wait for an answer before she’s dragging Ashlyn off to the middle of the room.

 

Ali is in the middle of staring at the two women when she feels a hand on her own waist guiding her away. Jake leads her off to the corner of the living room with one of the couches and sits down, pulling Ali down to sit next to him.

 

“Don’t you want to go check out the party a little more?” Ali offers.

 

“Not really.” Jacob shrugs. “This is good.”

 

“We could go get on the beer pong list?”

 

“Not right now.”

 

“There’s a fire pit out bac--”

 

“I said I’m good here. Geez.” Jacob cuts her off.

 

“Okay.” Ali agrees.

 

Ali finishes her beer and offers to grab more for her and Jacob. In the kitchen she grabs four more beers and downs another shot before rejoining her boyfriend on the couch. They spend a long time sitting there, too loud to talk, just watching the party around them. Ali can’t help but follow Ashlyn as she moves around the room, dancing with different girls and chatting with friends. It seems just about everyone knows her. Finally after a while, Alex finds them on the couch.

 

“Jake! Serv needs a partner on Pong! Will you play? I need a break.”

 

“Yeah, sure.” Jacob smiles at Alex. He stands, making sure to give Alex’s arm a squeeze before he joins Servando at the table.

 

As soon as she’s alone, Ashlyn head’s straight for Ali.

 

“Finally got rid of the old man, huh?”

 

“Oh stop.” Ali playfully slaps Ashlyn’s arm.

 

“I won’t.” Ashlyn says. “Now’s our chance!”

 

“Chance for what?”

 

Ashlyn just smiles and drags Ali into the middle of the room to dance.

 

Both girls are feeling the full effects of the night’s drinks at this point and Ali knows she’s enjoying dancing with Ashlyn just a little too much. Her heart beats just a little faster when she feels Ashlyn’s hands low on her hips, and she presses herself into her just a little more. Ali’s hands find the back of Ashlyn’s neck, her hair damp with sweat. She rubs the skin there with her thumb while they continue to move together.

 

Ali doesn’t see Jacob again for quite some time and it’s the most fun she’s had all night. She continues to dance and drink with Ashlyn until they decide they need a break and make their way outside to the backyard. There’s an open chair by the fire pit and Ashlyn drops into it and leans her head back as Ali sits down on the arm, throwing her legs over Ashlyn’s lap. The pair are laughing and talking, one of Ashlyn’s hands resting low on her back, and one of Ali’s playing with the fingers of Ashlyn’s free hand.

 

“So how does this party stack up to the one I missed?” Ali asks.

 

“Well I haven’t left yet so I’d say so far it’s better.”

 

“Better music? Better beer?”

 

“Better company.”

 

“Alex!” Jacob’s voice barks from the doorway.

“Hi Jake!” Ali grins at her boyfriend.

 

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” He growls at her.

 

“You found me!” Ali compliments.

 

“Ugh. You’re wasted.”

 

Ali tries to stand up but her feet get caught as she attempts to swing them over Ashlyn’s lap back onto the ground. Ashlyn steadies Ali before she can fall off the arm of the chair, giggling at her the whole time.

 

“Shit dude, you’re gonna break your skull.” Ashlyn laughs.

 

“Did you just call me ‘dude’?!”

 

“Yeah, man.”

 

“Nope. Doesn’t work.” Ali shakes her head.

 

“What are you talking about?!” Ashlyn asks in offense.

 

“You’re voice is waaaay too girly. I can’t take you seriously.”

 

“Do you ever take me seriously?”

 

“Sometimes.” Ali sasses.

 

“Hello! Earth to Alex!” Jacob yells, finally coming closer.

 

“Oops.” Ali giggles again. “I forgot he was there.” She tries, and fails, to whisper to Ashlyn.

 

“Come on.” Jacob says, pulling Ali up and dragging her inside.

 

“I’ll come find you before we leave!” Ali calls over her shoulder to Ashlyn.

 

Ali happily follows Jacob through the house until they get to the bathroom. He pulls her inside and closes the door, locking it behind them and immediately pushing her up against it.

 

“Well hello.” Ali says, welcoming Jacob’s kiss.

 

They kiss for a few minutes before Ali pulls away.

 

“We better get back to the party.”

 

“I’m not ready yet.” Jake says, pressing himself against Ali forcefully. She tries to pull her head back to dodge his lips, but he diverts and begins placing kisses up and down her neck and shoulders. One of his hands sliding up under her skirt.

 

“Hey.” Ali says, reaching to stop his roaming hand. “Let’s wait until we go back to the dorm.”

 

“Come on, Alex.” He urges, refusing to stop despite Ali’s attempts.

 

“This is the only bathroom, we shouldn’t hold it up.” Ali tries.

 

“I don’t care.” Jacob says, now grabbing Ali’s wrists and holding them behind her.

 

“Stop!” Ali shouts.

 

“Babe, it’s okay. Just go with it.” Jake kisses Ali’s neck again.

 

“No!” Ali breaks her wrists free and shoves Jacob off of her.

 

“Why are you being such a bitch right now?!”

 

“Because you’re being an asshole!” Ali yells back. She unlocks the door and throws it open, storming out with Jacob following angrily behind her.

 

She’s practically running down the hallway and she collides with a very concerned Ashlyn.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Ashlyn asks, worried.

 

“No, I’m really not.” Ali says bitterly.

 

“Get your hands off my girlfriend!” Jacob yells as he reaches them.

 

“Yeah, I’m definitely not your girlfriend anymore.” Ali says with a humorless laugh.

 

“You are such a fucking bitch.” Jacob bites out.

 

“Don’t speak to her that way.” Ashlyn says in a low, serious voice.

 

“I’ll do whatever I want.”

 

“You will not.” Ali nearly screams at him. “I’m worth more than that! You don’t get to treat me like this!”

 

Jacob raises his hand and slaps Ali across the face. There is a single second of complete shock before Ashlyn launches herself at Jacob, knocking him into the wall beside them. Jacob retaliates by punching Ashlyn in the face. She’s barely fazed, shaking her head briefly before throwing two solid punches of her own.

 

By this point a crowd has gathered and a couple of guys jump in and pull Ashlyn off Jake. Syd and the rest of the girls collect her and usher and and Ali outside as quickly as they can. When they get back to the dorm, Ali tells her concerned friends that all she wants to do is go to bed, so everyone reluctantly heads to their own rooms.

 

Ashlyn has just crawled in bed after changing and cleaning the blood from her split lip when there comes a quiet knock her her door.

 

“Ali? Are you okay?” Ashlyn is surprised to find the brunette there. Ali had spoken a word to her since they left the party.

 

Ali only nods.

 

“Do you want to come in?”

 

Ali nods again. She walks in and climbs right into Ashlyn’s bed, curling up in a ball and facing the wall. Ashlyn waits just a moment before turning the lights out and crawling in behind her, wrapping her arms around her friend and feeling her relax into her.

 

They don’t say another word to each other, but Ashlyn holds Ali a little tighter when she feels her begin to shake with silent sobs and she doesn’t let go until they wake up the next morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> What did you think of the chapter? What do you think happens next? 
> 
> Let me know in the comments or come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com


	4. Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is completely unedited so please forgive me any glaring mistakes. I didn't want to wait a minute longer to get this posted for you all. Thank you so much for reading! As always, please let me know what you think in the comments or come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com.

“I can’t believe he hit her.” Syd says, shaking her head to try and clear it of the awful thought.

 

“I can’t believe Ash hit  _ him _ .” Kelley adds.

 

“I can.” Alex says matter-of-factly.

 

“Gee, thanks.” Ashlyn deadpans. She’s sitting on her bed, tearing a piece of paper into tiny bits.

 

“I don’t mean because you’re a violent person or something.” Alex explains. “You’re protective.”

 

“And you care about Ali.” Emily comments.

 

“That’s for sure.” Allie mutters under her breath.

 

“Is your hand okay?” Tobin redirects when she sees Ashlyn growing uncomfortable. “Those were some pretty serious punches.”

 

“Yeah,” Ashlyn open and closes her red, swollen hand a couple of times, “I think the lip is worse.”

 

“It makes you look like a badass.” Allie says encouragingly.

 

“I don’t feel like a badass. I feel like an asshole.” Ashlyn responds, remorse in her voice.

 

“He deserved it.” Sydney says coldly.

 

“I know. But that’s not really the kind of person I want to be.”

 

“You only did it because you knew if someone didn’t take it him out it would be a lot worse for Ali.” Kelley staring at Ashlyn.

 

Ashlyn doesn’t meet her eyes. She doesn’t say a word. She just stares down at her hands.

 

“Isn’t it?” Kelley asks already knowing the answer.

 

Ashlyn says nothing again, but lets out a heavy sigh.

 

“Isn’t it?” Kelley repeats.

 

Ashlyn finally nods. “Yeah.” She raises her head slowly and looks very seriously at Kelley. “If he was willing to do that in front of all those people, he was willing to do a lot more when no one was around.”

 

“Do you know what happened before you went looking for them?” Sydney asks.

 

“What made you decide you needed to, anyway?” Emily asks. “Follow them, I mean.”

 

“I overheard them talking the other day before class. He sounded really aggressive and Ali sounded uncomfortable so I interrupted them. He had a serious grip on her arm when I walked in and this awful look in his eye. Kind of made me want to punch him right then, too. At the party, after he found us sitting together, he demanded that she come with him and I saw that look on his face again, only it was worse. More intense. I didn’t want to be a jackass and interfere with her relationship or act like I thought I knew better, but I just didn’t trust him so I went inside to find them. I just got this really bad feeling when I didn’t seem them anywhere inside so I headed for the hallway where he could get her alone and that’s when she came bolting towards me. Looked like they both came from the bathroom, but I have no idea what happened.”

 

“She didn’t tell you anything about it?” Sydney asks.

 

“She hasn’t said anything.” Ashlyn states. “She just showed up at my door last night and got in bed without a word.”

 

“So what do we do now?” Allie asks.

 

“Nothing.” Kelley says. “We treat her like we always do. We be supportive, and kind, and let her know that we’re here for her, but we let her come to us.”

 

“And if she doesn’t?” Sydney asks.

 

“She will.” Tobin says. “Maybe not to all of us, or in the way we expect but she knows she has us and she’ll do what she needs to do to take care of herself. If she doesn’t, or we see she’s struggling, we can reevaluate. But we’ve got to give her a chance first.”

 

The room falls quiet for a few moments as everyone silently agrees. Alex reaches over and plugs her phone into her speaker system and puts on some music to lighten the mood, just as Ali taps on the open door with her signature wide smile.

 

“Looks like I found the party.” She jokes.

 

“Oh, hey Ali.” Ashlyn greets her with an awkward smile.

 

“I brought you this.” Ali holds out a 12 oz paper cup with a spoon sticking out the top, which Ashlyn takes.

 

“Frozen yogurt?!” She says excitedly.

 

“Chocolate with rainbow sprinkles, your favorite.”

 

“Thanks.” Ashlyn replies around a mouthful of the frozen treat.

 

Everyone laughs and the darkness that had inhabited the room just a few minutes before is finally gone.

 

“I thought it might help that fat lip. It’s a great look on you, by the way.” Ali teases.

 

“Oh yeah? Think I should keep it?”

 

“Definitely.”

 

Ali hops up on Ashlyn’s bed and sits beside her, taking the cup and spoon when Ashlyn offers it to her with a smile. The group of girls spend the next half hour listening to music and chatting before everyone starts to filter out one-by-one to take care of different things. Soon, Ali and Ashlyn are left alone together for the first time since this morning when Ali woke up still wrapped safely in Ashlyn’s arms.

 

“Hey, um, I wanted to say thank you.” Ali mumbles as she gets up to toss the now empty ice cream cup.

 

“For what?” Ashlyn looks at Ali quizzically.

 

“You know what for.” Ali says, her cheeks turning pink.

 

Ashlyn’s genuine confusion shows on her face.

 

“For last night.” Ali says in a near whisper.

 

“Oh.” Ashlyn says sheepishly.

 

“I appreciate everything you did and I’m sorry you got hurt.”

 

“I’m sorry if I crossed any lines.”

 

“If I hadn’t been so shaken up I probably would have punched him myself.” Ali says with a light laugh.

 

“I would have liked to see that, actually.” Ashlyn grins.

 

“Well hopefully you’ll never get to because I intend to stay far, faaar away from that jerk.”

 

“Good.” Ashlyn says seriously.

 

Silence falls over them for a moment. Ali stands besides Ashlyn’s desk, looking at the post-it not scribbles and photos pinned to the corkboard back.

 

“And thanks for letting me stay here last night.” Ali refuses to look at Ashlyn, focusing instead on a stack of papers and things on Ashlyn’s desk. “I didn’t want to be alone, and I know Syd was there but it just…I don’t know. I just—I—she—“

 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Ashlyn cuts her off. “I get it. You don’t need to explain.”

 

“Okay.” Ali says, relieved.

 

“That’s what friends are for, right?”

 

Ali feels her heart sink at Ashlyn’s words but she’s not totally sure why.

 

“Yes.” Ali nods. “Exactly. I’m lucky your mine.”

 

“Yours, huh?” Ashlyn teases.

 

“My  _ friend _ . I’m lucky you’re my friend.” Ali corrects.

“But still yours!” Ashlyn says with a huge smile.

 

“Fine.” Ali rolls her eyes. “Still mine.”

 

“You love me.” Ashlyn says smugly.

 

Ali diverts her gaze back to Ashlyn’s desk so she can’t read her face. Before she can come up with a clever response, she spots a birthday card.

 

“Why do you have a birthday card?” Ali says suspiciously.

 

“Oh, it’s from my grandma.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

“Why did she send you a birthday card, Ashlyn?”

 

“The reason one typically sends a birthday card, Alex.”

 

Ali narrows her eyes at Ashlyn and marches towards her.

 

“When’s your birthday?” She asks through gritted teeth.

 

“October 19 th .” Ashlyn responds, her eyes wide with amusement over Ali’s reaction.

 

“ _ Excuse me _ ?!” Ali shrieks.

 

“What?” Ashlyn laughs.

 

“Are you really telling me that your birthday was almost two weeks ago and  _ you never mentioned it _ ?!?!” Ali shrieks again.

 

“It’s not a big deal, Ali.”

 

“It absolutely is a big deal! Did everyone know but me? How did I not know?” Ali rambles.

 

“No, no one knew.”

 

“You turned 19 on the 19 th ? Oh my god! It was your golden birthday too!”

 

“My what?”

 

“Golden birthday, Ashlyn.” Ali says in exasperation. “When you turn the age of your birth date.”

 

“And that’s important…why?”

 

“It just is!”

 

“Okay, sorry.” Ashlyn says holding up her hands in defense. “But it’s come and gone now so you’ll have to find a way to move past this.”

 

“Yeah, that’s not how this is going to go.” Ali says crossing her arms and stepping into the hallway.

 

“What does that mean?”

 

But Ali doesn’t respond. She instead, stands in the hallways and shouts.

 

“GIRLS!!!” Ali yells.

 

“You rang?” Kelley says, popping her head out of her door. Soon several other girls appear in their doorways as well.

 

“Kelley and Alex meet me and Syd in our room immediately.” Ali commands. “Everyone else wait for instruction.”

 

Emily and Allie nod, and Tobin gives a salute before returning to their rooms, while Kelley and Alex walk down the hall from Allie and Tobin’s room.

 

“Ali, it’s not that big of a d--” Ashlyn starts.

 

“Not. Another. Word.” Ali says, slow and serious, pointing a finger at Ashlyn before turning on her heel and storming into her own room. Kelley locks eyes with Ashlyn as she follows behind Ali, mouthing “what did you do?” before Ali slams the door.

 

“Okay, what’s got you so riled up?” Sydney asks.

 

“Ashlyn conveniently forgot to mention it was her birthday two weeks ago.” Ali huffs.

 

Syd, Alex, and Kelley all look at Ali, waiting for her to continue but Ali just stares right back.

 

“Okay. And?” Kelley finally coaxes.

 

“And??” Ali asks incredulously. “And we need to do something about it!”

 

“Like what?” Sydney asks.

 

“Yeah, it’s already happened.” Alex chimes in.

 

“Ugh.” Ali says throwing her arms up in exasperation. “Since when is there a time limit on celebrating?” Ali says back.

 

“I’m down.” Kelley says.

 

“You want to throw a party or something?” Sydney asks.

 

“I have a plan, I just need you guys to help me.” Ali replies. She lets out a deep breath and relaxes a little. “Ash has done a lot for me. And not just with what happened last night, but basically since we met. I just feel like she deserves a little fuss to honor the day she was born.”

 

“Alright.” Alex nods in agreement. “What are we doing?”

 

“Well first I need Syd to call and get us a reservation for Haunted mini-golf.” Ali starts.

 

“Al, it’s  Halloween weekend.” Sydney says.

 

“Which is exactly why I’m putting you in charge of this. If anyone can find a way, it’s you.”

 

“You’re right.” Sydney shrugs. “I can handle it.”

 

“Good. Next I need Alex to coordinate with the other girls on gifts and decorations. At some point you’ll need to distract Ashlyn and get here out of here so the other girls can fill your room with like, a million balloons or something.”

 

“Got it.” Alex agrees.

 

“And finally, Kelley, I need to borrow you and your car.”

 

“Whatever you say, boss.” Kelley says.

 

***

 

“Ali! What are you doing here?!” Aunt Shelley greats happily when she finds Ali and Kelley on her doorstep.

 

“I need to borrow your kitchen.”

 

“What’s mine is yours, sweetheart. Come on in!” Shelley holds the door open and the girls enter.

 

“And who is this sweet, freckle-faced, ray of sunshine you’ve brought with you, hun?” Shelley asks, reaching out and holding Kelley’s face in her hands a moment.

 

“This is my friend Kelley. Kelley, this is my aunt Shelley.” Ali introduces.

 

“It’s nice to meet you.” Kelley says politely.

“Oh you are precious, aren’t you?” Shelley muses.

 

“I try.” Kelley shrugs.

 

Ali and Shelley both laugh as Shelley leads the three to the kitchen.

 

“Well, here she is, at your service.” Shelly says, gesturing around her. “What exactly do you need?”

 

“We need to bake a cake.”

 

“That’s sounds fun!” Shelley says excitedly. “Do you know how to bake a cake?” She adds after a moment.

 

“Nope.” Ali says matter-of-factly. “But that’s why I brought Kelley.”

 

“I see.” Shelley says, pulling the stand mixer out of a cabinet.

 

“What makes you think I know how to bake a cake?!” Kelley asks.

 

“Kelley.” Ali says with an eye-roll. “Do you know how to bake a cake?”

 

“Of course I know how to bake a cake!”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Well, have at it then.” Shelley says.

 

Kelley searches through the kitchen cupboards, pulling out things she needs as she finds them and setting them all out on the counter. Ali scrolls through the recipe she looked up on her phone in the car and mentally crosses off the items Kelley sets out. She has to admit she’s impressed that Kelley seems to know everything needed without ever having looked at recipe.

 

“So what kind of cake are we making?” Kelley asks.

 

Ali reaches over to a bowl on the counter and grabs a few lemons, placing them next to Kelley’s supplies.

 

“She likes lemon.” Ali says.

 

“Does she now?” Kelley asks with a small smirk that Ali misses.

 

“Yeah, her grandma always makes her some kind of lemon dessert for her birthday.” Ali explains.

 

“How is it that you’ve talked about her birthday traditions, but didn’t know her birthday?” Kelley asks.

 

“That’s a great question.” Ali replies. “She’s sneaky. I’m positive I’ve asked before but she must have distracted me or something. I didn’t even realize that I’d never gotten an answer out of her until today.”

 

Kelley hands Ali a microplane, a small glass dish, and a lemon before continuing on her with her questions. “And you’re not worried that she might not be receptive to this little celebration, given that she went to such great lengths to keep her birthday a secret?”

 

“No.” Ali shakes her head as she begins zesting. “I could see it in her face when we talked about it that she loves celebrating her birthday. But she feels guilty about it. I sort of got the impression that her mom kind of makes her feel bad for all the attention so she didn’t want to bring it up because she doesn’t want to be selfish. But her grandma always made the day really special for her. I should have known that without her grandma around to do it, someone else would have to. I should have known she’d never bring attention to it herself.”

 

“You really know a lot about her.” Kelley observes.

 

“I guess.” Ali shrugs casually, but she can feel her cheeks burning.

 

“It’s okay if you like her, Ali.” Kelley says.

 

“We’re friends, Kell.”

 

“I know you are. But sometimes friends like each other as more than friends too.”

 

“I literally just broke up with my boyfriend like 12 hours ago.”

 

“I know it’s kind of a moral gray area,” Kelley responds, “but it’s possible for someone to develop feelings for a person even when they’re in a relationship already. Especially if that relationship is falling apart and that someone had only been sticking around because they didn’t know how to get out.”

 

“That’s not what happened.” Ali bites out.

“Are you sure?” Kelley asks.

 

“Yes, Kelley. I’m sure. I think I know what my own relationship was like!” Ali defends.

 

“You’re right.” Kelley says quietly. “I’m sorry, Ali. I never should have said that.”

 

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Ali says coldly.

 

The pair continue to work in near silence, only Kelley speaking to give direction, or Ali to ask for clarification. Once the cake pans are in the oven, Kelley hops up on the counter of the island next to where Ali sits on a bar stool.

 

“I’m really sorry, Ali.” Kelley says sincerely.

 

Ali lets out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry too.”

 

“It’s okay. You had every right to be upset with me.”

“No, I really don’t because you’re not wrong.”

 

“I still shouldn’t have said it.”

 

“I needed to hear it.” Ali turns to Kelley and lays her head in her lap. “I was stuck. I even tried to break up with him before we left for school but he didn’t accept it. He just said no.”

 

“That’s not right, Ali. A break up isn’t the type of thing where both parties get a say. If one person doesn’t want it, then that’s it.”

 

“I know.” Ali says tearfully. “I’m weak. It’s my fault because I could have stood my ground or been more firm and I wasn’t. I let it happen.”

 

“Were you afraid of him?” Kelley asks, gently stroking Ali’s hair.

 

“Yes.” Ali whispers.

 

“You weren't’t weak, Ali. You were just trying to protect yourself. “

 

“I should have been stronger.”

“You were strong. You are strong.”

 

“Thank you for helping me bake a cake.” Ali says, sitting up again. “I appreciate you.”

 

“I appreciate you too.” Kelley smiles at Ali. “But we’re not done yet. We still have to frost that sucker.”

 

***

 

Ali and Kelley finish baking the cake and cleaning the disaster they created in Aunt Shelley’s kitchen and head back to campus. Ali is nearly buzzing with excitement over her belated birthday plan. Sydney had called earlier with confirmation that she’d managed to get both the reservation for that night _ and _ a date. Alex had been sending text updates of what the girls had been putting together for decorations. Alex had loves Ali’s suggestion to fill the room with balloons so all the girls were taking turns blowing them up so that no one passed out. Emily and Tobin were creating art projects for gifts, with Tobin working on some kind of cool, abstract painting, and Emily making old-school macaroni art. Allie had gone to the dollar store and found as many weird and ridiculous items as she could, but her real score was the set of knock-off nerf guns.

 

When Ashlyn started to get suspicious about all the girls whereabouts, and knowing that Ali was up to something, Alex had to think fast. She concocted a story about the laundry room being out of order, complete with a fake sign that she taped to the door and had somehow gotten their RA Jack to sign. It didn’t take much pleading to convince Ashlyn to take Alex to the laundromat in town. Once Alex had taken her sweet time finishing her laundry, she offered to take Ashlyn out for pizza to repay her.

 

Ashlyn’s face breaks into a huge grin as they walk into the pizza parlour and find Emily, Kelley, Tobin, Allie, Sydney, and Ali all sitting at a table together. The table is covered in a plastic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles table cloth and set with matching paper plates, and party hats. As soon as she approaches the table, Ali leads everyone in belting out what might be the loudest version of “Happy Birthday” ever heard.

 

“This is ridiculous.” Ashlyn says as she leans in to hug Ali.

 

“Which is why it’s absolutely perfect for you.” Ali says close to Ashlyn’s ear.

 

Aslyn drops her arm down to Ali’s wasit and holds her a moment longer.

 

“Thanks for doing all this.” Ashlyn says. Ali can see the sincere appreciation in her not quite so distant eyes.

 

“Oh honey.” Ali grins mischievously. “This is just the beginning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Favorite parts? Questions? 
> 
> Was Kelley right or wrong for saying what she did to Ali? How will Ali handle things? What will happen at Ashlyn's birthday party?!
> 
> Let me know!


	5. It's My Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, right?! Thank you all for being so patient with me! I hope you enjoy this one! We're starting to get to the layers here. As always, thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think!

Alex leans over the counter just a little too far, making eyes at the boy behind the counter. The rest of the girls watch her as she giggles, flips her over her shoulder, and reaches out and touches the hand of the kid. He cheeks instantly turn pink and they wonder for a moment if he might pass out. After a moment ne nods, a big grin on his face, before hurrying off somewhere out of sight for a moment. When he returns he’s got two not quite full pitchers of soda in hand. Alex takes them and shoots him a wink on her way back to the table.

 

“What was that all about?” Kelley asks.

 

“And what would your boyfriend think of all that flirting?” Allie teases.

 

“He’d ask if I could get him free pizza too.” Alex says back. “Okay, we’ve got cola and lemon-line.” She explains. Then opens her large bag sitting on the chair in front of her and pulls out a fifth each of rum and vodka and sets them on the table.

 

“Alex!” Emily says with wide eyes. “You’re going to get us in trouble!”

 

“It’s fine.” Alex reassures as she twists the top off the vodka and pours a healthy portion into the lemon lime soda.

 

Tobin just shakes her head and points to the counter behind them where the kid Alex had charmed only a few minutes prior was talking animatedly to the manager and a couple of other staff members, everyone but the boy with their backs to the dining room.

 

“You’re good.” Emily says, impressed.

 

“But did you really get us free pizza?” Kelley asks.

 

Alex just shrugs and as she finishes with the rum, she puts both bottles back in her bag. “You’ll probably want to give your cup a little stir before you drink.”

 

Sydney starts pouring drinks and passing them out to people. Once everyone has a cup in hand, she raises hers.

 

“To Ashlyn, our mysterious, blonde-haired recluse. Thank you for concealing the date of your birth so that Ali would lose her shit and throw a party. None of us asked for it, but it’s what we all deserve. To Ash!” Sydney toasts dramatically. Everyone joins in, “To Ash!” The sound of the thick, red plastic cups knocking together quickly drowned out by the sound of their laughter.

 

Ashlyn blushes a bit but plays it cool as best she can, playfully brushing off her friends as they hug her. “Okay, okay, that’s enough.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes. “I would like to add something though.”

 

“Speech!” Emily shouts.

 

“Speech! Speech! Speech!” Kelley and the rest of the girls join in.

 

“Knock it off!” Ashlyn protests.

 

“Maybe we should listen,” Kelley says, “I hear she can throw quite a punch.”

 

“And you’re top of the list, O’Hara.” Ashlyn says pointing across the table at her friend.

 

“I’m not afraid of you, Harris.” Kelley shrugs.

 

“I want to know what Ashlyn was going to say.” Tobin interjects with a smile.

 

“Me too.” Allie agrees.

 

“I was just going to say that we should all thank Ali for putting this together. It’s pretty cool that she cared enough to do this and I really appreciate it.” Ashlyn looks right at Ashlyn as she speaks, her usually self-assured attitude a little softer than usual. Ali’s whole face lights up as she locks eyes with Ashlyn. They hold their gaze for a moment before Ashlyn breaks it as she quips, “I mean it’s totally unnecessary and definitely over the top, but that’s just Ali for you.”

 

Everyone chimes in with their thanks for Ali just as the kid from the counter comes over with a large pizza, setting it on a rack right in front of Alex.

 

“Here’s your large Hawaiian pie, miss.” The kid says in an overly-rehearsed tone.

 

“This isn’t right.” Alex says shaking her head. “We ordered a large half pepperoni, half cheese.”

 

“Did you?” The boy asks, fighting a smile. “I’m so sorry about that.”

 

“Yeah, we did.” Alex replies with fake disappointment.

 

“I’ll get one right out to you.” He says seriously. “I’m so sorry for the mix up. You’re welcome to keep this one on us.”

 

“Thanks.” Alex says as she starts serving up slices and passing them around. “We really appreciate that.”

 

When the kid walks off, Emily is practically bouncing out of her seat. “I can’t believe you did that!”

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Alex says innocently.

 

By the time the girls have demolished both pizzas, their drinks are starting to kick in. Especially since Sydney started going around with Alex’s bag and “adding a little more good time” to their drinks.

 

Ashlyn sits at the table, fishing ice cubes out of the bottom of cup and crunching them. Ali sneaks up behind her and rests her chin on her shoulder.

 

“Hold out your hand.” Ali demands.

 

“So help me, if you put a bug or lizard or something in my hand—“

 

“Don’t be gross!” Ali cuts her off. “Just put out your hand, trust me.”

Ashlyn holds her hand out, palm up, and Ali drops a handful of quarters into it.

 

“Pinball?!” Ashly exclaims excitedly.

 

“Pinball.” Ali laughs back.

 

“Ugh, I could kiss you!” Ashlyn says as jumps up from her chair.

 

“You wouldn’t mind.” Kelley whispers to Ali.

 

Ali just stands there looking a little flustered and embarrassed.

 

Halfway across the room Ashlyn stops and looks back to Ali. “Hurry it up, Krieger!”

 

“Oh!” Ali realizes Ashlyn wants her to join her. “Right. I’ll grab drinks.”

 

Sydney hands Ali two cups with a wink and then bumps her with her hip to get her moving.

 

When Ali reaches Ashlyn, she’s already mid-game, a look of concentration on her face.

 

“So you are you any good at this game?” Ali teases. She takes a drink from the cup Sydney gave her and her faces scrunches up. “Ugh!” Ali reacts.

 

“That Sprite a little strong for you?” Ashlyn says with a quick glance before refocusing on her game.

 

“This is the coke.” Ali replies. She holds up the cup containing nothing but clear liquid and ice.

 

Ashlyn laughs. “Did Alex make those?”

 

“Syd.”

 

“Close enough.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

Ashlyn plays a few moments longer before the machine makes a sad noise and she hits the side in frustration. “Damn!”

 

“Good thing you’ve got more quarters.” Ali notes.

 

“I was so close!”

“You know what they say, ‘if at first you don’t succeed…’”

 

“Drink some more and try again?” Ashlyn finishes for her.

 

“Something like that.” Ali holds out both cups to Ashlyn. “Pick your poison.”

 

Ashlyn grabs the cup Ali had taken a sip from earlier and takes a long drink.

 

“Oh man!” Ashlyn crinkles up her nose. “You weren’t kidding! This is  _ just _ booze.”

 

“Happy birthday.” Ali laughs. “At this rate you won’t remember it.”

 

“Just like all the rest.” Ashlyn mutters. She takes big gulp from the cup.

 

“What?” Ali asks. She’s still smiling but she suddenly feels like it isn’t appropriate.

 

“Huh?” Ashlyn responds, turning her attention back to the game.

 

“Nothing.” Ali brushes it off.  She had a sense it wasn’t something Ashlyn really wanted to get into.

 

Ashlyn nods distractedly as she plays another round and Ali finishes off one of their drinks.  A few games later Sydney interrupts the pair and lets them know they need to go if their going to make their reservation for haunted mini-golf.

 

“We’re going mini-golfing?!” Ashlyn’s face lights up, her cheeks rosy from the alcohol, and eyes wide.

 

“ _ Haunted _ mini-golfing.” Emily clarifies. “Hope you can handle it, Harris.” she taunts.

 

“Em, it’s blacklight mini-golf, run by a bunch of high schoolers in bad makeup. Not even a three-year-old would bat an eye. If you’re going to make fun of Ash, you’ll have to pick some else. Like why she’s still in her Avril Lavigne stage.” Kelley adds.

“Yeah, yeah, we get it.” Alex says with an eye roll. “Ash wears a lot of black and is a little heavy handed with the eyeliner.” She pulls out  handful of dollar bills from her purse and leaves them on the table with a nod to the kid who helped them out. “But let’s acknowledge what’s really going on here. We didn’t go out dancing because no one wants to be see with her on the dance floor.”

 

“We didn’t go out dancing because none of us are 21.” Ashlyn says with a a playful glare. “Now are you taking me to putt-putt or not!”

 

The girls walk the five blocks from the pizza place to the activity center where this time it’s Sydney’s turn to flirt. She walks up to the counter where a guy about their age is cutting newly printed score cards.

 

“Hey Dom.” Sydney says sweetly, batting her lashes.

 

“Sydney!” He greets excitedly. “I thought maybe you weren’t going to make it.”

 

“Sorry.” Sydney replies exasperatedly. “It’s like herding cats to get these girls out the door.” She juts her thumb backwards to gesture to the group.

 

“I’m glad you made it.” He grins back at her.

 

“So you think you can still sneak us in?”

 

Dom straightens his shoulders and looks rather pleased with himself as he grabs a clipboard from the counter behind him.

 

“Thompson? Party of eight?” He confirms.

“Party of seven.” Sydney corrects. “I’m exhausted from keeping them in line all night,” she gestures again to her friends, “so I was thinking I might just sit out here. With you.”

 

Dom grins wider. “Party of seven then.”

 

“That’s us.” Sydney nods.

 

“Well wouldn’t you know we had another party under Thompson arrive just a little while ago. The two reservations must have been mistaken for the same one. We usually only let so many people on the floor at a time, but in a case like this we can make an exception.” Dom explains, a satisfied look on his face.

 

“Are all of our friends con artists?” Ashlyn leans over and whispers to Ali.

 

“Are you complaining?” Ali asks.

 

“Absolutely not.” Ashlyn shakes her head. “So when do I get to see you do your thing?” She asks.

 

“Oh it’ll take a lot more than a birthday for you to earn that.” Ali replies.

 

“Secrets don’t make friends.” Allie says stepping between the girls are putting an arm around each of their shoulders. “If you have a secret, you have to share with the whole class.”

 

“Allie, that’s the rule for if you have gum in class.” Tobin corrects casually.

 

“Whatever.” Allie says pulling Ali and Ashlyn closer. “I just want them to pay attention to me.”

 

“You want everyone to pay attention to you.” Alex says.

 

“What’s wrong with that?” Allie asks.

 

“Ladies, pick your putters.” Dom instructs has he leads them to the back wall with variety of different clubs in varying heights and colors hanging from it. “Once you’ve selected the proper tool, please select a ball. There are 12 different colors, so each person can have their own.”

 

Ashlyn grabs a seafoam green ball for herself before grabbing a bright pink one and tossing it to Ali.

 

“How are you so sure I want this one?” Ali questions.

 

“Matches your nails, Princess.” Ashlyn says smugly.

 

Ali looks down at her hand, the pink of the golf ball a perfect match for her manicure. She smiles to herself but Kelley catches it.

 

“It’s the little things, isn’t it?” she says with a content sigh.

 

“Why do I tell you anything?” Ali narrows her eyes at Kelley.

 

“Oh come on, it’s sweet. You guys have really got some kind of connection building here.” Kelley says sincerely.

 

“Yeah.” Ali nods in agreement. “I just...I don’t want any pressure right now.” She bites her lip.

 

“Hey, I’m just teasing, Al. I think it’s great, whatever it is you’ve got going, but I don’t want you to feel any pressure. I’ll back off with the jokes.”

 

“It’s okay. Really.  The party was just _ a lot _ to deal with and I’ve had a little more vodka than I anticipated. I don’t want to do something stupid.” Ali explains.

 

“Something stupid, or something fun?” Kelley wiggles her eyebrows on the last word. Ali just shoots her a look.

 

“Right. Sorry. “ Kelley checks herself, but she’s still grinning.

 

“If everyone is ready…” Dom looks around at the group of friends and they all nod. “Right this way...if you dare!” He throws his head back and lets out a deep, maniacal laugh as he holds open the door to the large indoor golf course.

 

The girls file into the dark room, lights flash here and there, while eerie music plays. When they reach the first hole, a very convincing zombie stands watch nearby. As each girl takes their turn, Ali notices that the zombie is inching closer toward them. When it gets to be her turn, she can feel his bloodshot eyes on her.

 

Her first stroke is a mess but she tries to collect herself, rolling her shoulders and taking a deep breath before she tries again. Her second stroke isn’t much better and she’s a little embarrassed because this is the easier shot on the course.

 

“Ugh.” She mutters. “The zombie throwing me.”

 

“Want me to throw the zombie?” Ashlyn leans in and asks just so Ali can hear.

 

She smiles at Ashlyn’s joke, knowing she’s trying to help her ease the tension so they can move on. “No, it’s okay. You can let him live to see another day. Or, uh, unlive? Zombies are undead so are they unliving?” Ali muses.

 

“Good question.” Ashlyn says seriously. “I’ll go ask him while you sink this shot.”

 

Finally, third time’s a charm for Ali who makes the shot. Ashlyn hangs back as everyone moves on so she can walk with Ali, carefully positioning herself between the brunette and the costumed employees that are making her uneasy. Ashlyn continues this pattern of stationing herself between Ali and the undead everytime they move from one obstacle to the next until about the 9th hole. This one is setup with a large bend in it, taking the player around a corner to finish their shot. As Ashlyn come back around to watch Ali take her turn, she sees Zombie number nine staggering toward Ali. It’s just a themed tactic to make the course a little harder, but Ali’s shoulders are practically up to her ears.

 

“No no no no no no.” Ali mutters under her breath. Ashlyn reaches her and places a reassuring hand on her shoulder but Ali jumps. “Ah!”

 

“Hey, it’s just me.” Ashlyn says soothingly. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

“I thought you were the zombie.” Ali says in a sigh of relief.

 

“You know he’s not real a real zombie right?” Ashlyn teases with a gentle smile.

 

“Yeah.” Ali nods “But he’s  _ real _ -ly close to me.”

 

“Hey, pal?” Ashlyn says to the Zombie beside them. She throws an arm around his shoulder and turns him around. “Think you could stand…” She walks them about three feet back, “here?”

 

“Uh, that’s not really how this works.” The kids replies, breaking character. “I’m supposed to--”

 

“Yeah, yeah, we know what you’re supposed to do, but here’s the thing.” Ashlyn drops her voice to a whisper. “She’s cute right?” She asks with a glance to Ali. The kid nods. “You don’t want to embarrass a cute girl like that do you? She’s not trying to cheat, she’s just scared. I promise you she’s still really bad a mini-golf.”

 

The zombie laughs lightly and nods in agreement. Ashlyn goes back to Ali’s side.

 

“Better?”

 

“I’m not _ that _ bad a mini-golf.”

 

“Prove it.”

 

Ali adjusts her stance and takes a careful, perfectly placed swing, sending the ball up and ramp and around the curve with just enough force.

 

The pair hear’s Kelley’s voice from the other side yelling “What the fu--” before the rest of the group breaks out in cheers, announcing Ali’s hole-in-one.

 

“Oh sure, make me look like a liar in front of the zombie.” Ashlyn says.

 

“You said you wanted to see me do my thing.” Ali shrugs.

 

“Yeah, I wanted you to pull a fast one on someone else, not on me!”

 

“And I told you that you’d have to earn it.”

 

Everyone enjoys the rest of the game, and Ashlyn stays on Zombie patrol for Ali knowing that despite her epic shot, her anxiety was very real. In the end, Tobin manages to absolutely crush everyone and Ali comes in just a point above Ashlyn. The group is on their way back to the front of the building, laughing and talking when they find themselves in a makeshift tunnel of sorts, one last scare before the exit. Ali instantly grabs Ashlyn’s arm and hides her face in Ashlyn’s shoulder, letting out a long, high-pitched screech of dislike. Ashlyn pushes through the cast of monstrous characters to get through as quickly as she can when a rogue hand finds Ali’s arm. Her whole body stiffens and she whips her head around her eyes, angry and panicked.

 

“Don’t touch me!”  Ali screams.

Ashlyn grabs Ali’s hand, which is now trembling, and pushes through the rest of the crowd more forcefully, pulling her through the entrance to the lobby and leading her directly to the bathroom. She locks the door behind them and then turns to Ali, taking her face in her hands. She looks into her eyes a long moment before she speaks.

 

“You’re okay.”

 

Ali just stares.

“I promise you, you’re safe.”

 

Ali nods ever so slightly.

 

“No Zombies. No guys touching you. Just me and you.”

 

“Yeah.” Ali whispers.

 

“You and me, and this bathroom that desperately needs to be cleaned. Clearly Sydney has been a distraction to the staff.”

 

Ali laughs now and Ashlyn can see her eyes lighten.

 

“A little better?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Yeah, thank you.”

 

“You wanna go back to the dorm and drink Alex’s booze?”

 

“That sounds like an excellent idea.” Ali agrees.

 

Ashlyn pulls the door of the bathroom open and holds it for Ali who rejoins the group in the lobby.

 

“You good?” Kelley asks

 

“Yes. I am now.” Ali states.

 

“How good?” Kelley asks suggestively, glancing back and forth between Ali and Ashlyn.

 

“Seriously, Kel?”

“Oops?” Kelley tries to look as innocent as she can.

 

“Whatever.” Ali laughs.

 

“Blame the drinks. I’m still buzzed!”

 

“Speaking of,” Ashlyn interjects, “I saw we continue this party in my room.”

 

Emily, Allie, and Tobin all look at each other and try not to laugh.

 

“What?” Ashlyn asks specifically.

 

“Oh, nothing.” Emily says, nonchalant.

 

“Sounds like a great idea, Ash.” Tobin adds.

 

“What did you do?” Ashlyn asks, looking a little nervous now.

 

“I guess you’re going to have to find out!” Allie chirps as she leads the way to the door.

 

Back at the dorm, everyone stands excitedly by, watching Ashlyn, as she goes to unlock her door. She casts a warning glace back at all of them before Tobin yells “just do it already!” and Ashlyn finally opens it.

 

The girls have somehow managed to rig a balloon drop using yard, trash bags, and the breath from their own lungs. Ashlyn throws her head back in laughter as the balloons fall around her, her expression one of true joy.

 

“You guys are stupid and I love this.” She says.

 

“Well you’re stupid and we love you.” Allie says, kissing Ashlyn’s cheek.

 

“There are presents on your bed!” Emily says with a look of pride. Ashlyn glances over to see about 20 different dollar store games and toys spread out on her bed.

 

“A three pack of kazoos?” Ashlyn enthuses. “You shouldn’t have!”

“Oh my god.” Ali says, her eyes wide in realization. “The cake! Kelley!” She calls.

But Kelley isn’t anywhere in the room. “Kelley?!” Ali yells a little louder now.  

 

She’s halfway across the small room when Kelley walks through the door, cake in hand, candles lit and starts singing. Everyone joins in and Ali reaches over and squeezes Ashlyn’s hand as she blows out the candles. Ashlyn turns to her with a grateful smile and Ali swears her eyes are glassy.

 

An hour later, everyone sits on Ashlyn and Alex’s floor, eating the cake straight off the plate, passing back and forth a few plastic forks and a couple bottles of wine. Emily and Kelley are recounting some ridiculous tale to Allie and Tobin who keep trying to speak over them with some better version of the same events. Alex and Syd are involved in  a very serious conversation about undergarments. Ashlyn looks around at her friends and shoves another forkful of cake in her mouth before leaning her head against Ali’s shoulder. Ali kills the last of a bottle of wine and rests her head atop Ashlyn’s.

 

“I love lemon.” Ashlyn says thoughtfully.

 

“I know.” Ali says, pleased with herself.

 

“You do know.” Ashlyn agrees.

 

“I know I know. That’s why I said it.”

 

“No.” Ashlyn replies. “You really _ know _ .”

 

“I know?” Ali replies in confusion.

 

“You pay attention. You remember little details. You knew I liked lemon.”

 

“I wanted you to have a nice birthday, even if it wasn’t your birthday.”

 

“I think it’s the best one I ever had.” Ashlyn says sincerely.

 

“It can’t be.” Ali shakes her head.

 

“I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t even think about it.”

 

“What do you mean?” Ali asks, shifting now so Ashlyn can lay her head in Ali’s lap. Ashlyn settles herself on her back and looks up at Ali.

 

“Birthdays have been...bad.” Ashlyn starts. “There are a couple with my Grandma that were good. She always tries so hard to make it special.”

 

Ali smiles down at Ashlyn when she sees the love in her eyes that she feels for her grandmother. She starts to slowly stroke Ashlyn’s hair as she continues.

 

“But my mom doesn’t like them. She used to try when I was little. She’d throw me parties and invite my friends but it always stressed her out so much. She’d tell me ‘you see what I’m doing for you? Do you see what you put me through?’ I’d try and help as much as I could and just go along with whatever she wanted. Pink balloons and chocolate cake and whatever else she picked. I just wanted to make her happy.”

 

“Shouldn’t she have been the one trying to make you happy?” Ali asks.

 

“She’s done everything for me.” Ashlyn says seriously. “After my 10th birthday I told her I didn’t want parties anymore, I just wanted to be with her and my dad and my brother.”

 

“And did that help?”

 

“Yeah.” Ashlyn shrugs. “She’d usually pick a restaurant out for us to eat at. That was nice.”

 

“What about now?” Ali already knows what Ashlyn is going to say.

 

“We stopped celebrating when I was in high school.”

 

“Nothing at all?”

 

“She called me.” Ashlyns eyes well up. “I was so stupid.”

 

“No you weren’t.” Ali soothes.

 

“Yeah. I was.” The tears fall freely now. The room is still full of people, filled with chatter and laughter, but all Ali can see is a broken little girl looking up at her. “I thought she called because she remembered.”

 

“Oh Ash.” Ali tries not to let her own tears fall.

 

“She asked me to pay my portion of the cell phone bill.”

 

Ashlyn rolls onto her side and buries her head into Ali. Maybe it was the emotion of it all, or the bottle of wine she drank, but she lets her tears fall freely now. Ali just sits on the floor and continues to gently stroke her hair, their friends buzzing about them, until the rise and fall of Ashlyn’s chest evens out, and her tears slow down to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> I promise someday I'll write a fic where Tammye doesn't suck!
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com


	6. Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! I hope you guys enjoy this one! I hope there aren't any formatting issues but I apologize if there are. I was having some technical difficulities. As always, thank you so much for reading, and please let me know what you think in the commens!
> 
> Come find me at letter-know.tumblr.com

Ali sits in the corner of her bed, legs crossed, notebook balanced on one thigh and pen poised as she scans the textbook on the bed before her. She bites her bottom lip in concentration and furrows her brow just a bit when she can’t find what she’s looking for. She doesn’t notice when Ashlyn crosses the hall and leans on her door frame, smiling in Ali’s direction.

  
“You’re glaring awfully hard at something that can’t appreciate such a killer stare.” Ashlyn notes.

  
Ali gasps as her head whips up from the book. “You scared me!”

  
Ashlyn laughs. “Sorry, Alex.” She drops herself over the footboard of Ali’s bed and lays back with her legs hanging over.

  
“I didn’t realize I’d gotten so focused on this assignment. I usually hear you when you jump off your bed.” Ali finishes the note she was making and throws the notebook on top of her book and leans back against the wall.

  
“You don’t have to stop working because I’m here.” Ashlyn closes her eyes. “I can just take a little nap until your done.”

  
“Why are all your naps on _my_ bed?” Ali asks with feigned annoyance. “What’s wrong with yours?”

  
“ _You’re_ not in her bed is what’s wrong.” Sydney sasses as she walks in wrapped in just a towel.

  
“Sydney!” Ali scolds with wide eyes. Sydney just scoffs and rolls her eyes at her friend.

  
“Actually it’s you, Syd.” Ashlyn plays back. “I sleep much better with the sound of you admiring yourself in that mirror and loudly talking about the guy in your lit class and the guy in your writing class and the guy in your math class and--”

  
“Don’t forget the guy in my biology class.” Sydney cuts her off.

  
“Right, of course not. Can’t forget him.”

  
“You’re both ridiculous.” Ali says. She picks up her notebook and textbook and officially puts them away on her desk.

  
“Are you really done?” Ashlyn’s tone shifts from playful to sincere. Her look tells Ali she thinks she ruined her study session.

  
“Yeah,” Ali reassures, “it’s not even due until Friday, I was getting a headstart so I don’t feel guilty about Thursday night.”

  
“What’s Thursday night?” Ashlyn asks.

  
“A bunch of the girls are going to Burlington to try that Thai restaurant there and see a movie. I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to join?” Ali sounds a little nervous when she makes the offer.

  
“Yeah, that sounds great.” Ashlyn replies immediately.

  
“Really?” Ali sounds more surprised than she should, prompting Ashlyn to laugh.

  
“Yes, really. I love Thai food. And movies. I don’t even care what we see.”

  
Sydney snorts from behind her wardrobe door where she’s changing.

  
Ashlyn rolls her eyes. “You wanna go to the dining hall with me?” She asks.

  
Ali’s face breaks into a wide grin and she nods.

  
“Good.” Ashlyn smiles back.

  
Ali grabs a sweatshirt from the back on her desk chair and pulls it on, shoving her keys into the front pocket and turning to follow Ashlyn out the door. She starts to pull the door closed behind her but Sydney stops her.

  
“Leave it open.” Sydney emerges from behind her wardrobe door in black leggings and a lime green sports bra. “You know I have no modesty.”

  
“Good point.” Ali shrugs. “Later, Syd.”

  
The pair make their way outside, Ashlyn always pulling open doors for Ali, and Ali always keeping step right beside Ashlyn. They both felt a shift between them after the night of Ashlyn’s birthday party, though neither one of them was sure what exactly what it was. They hadn’t talked about what happened, Ashlyn being a bit embarrassed about being so vulnerable, and Ali not wanting to scare an obviously guarded Ashlyn away by pushing too much. But the fact remained that Ashlyn had been vulnerable with Ali, and Ali, in turn, had proven herself a safe space.

  
With Ali’s ex-boyfriend officially out of the picture, she was starting to feel some things a bit more freely when it came to Ashlyn. She was equal parts scared, confused, and absolutely enamoured by the beautiful and aloof blonde that lives across the hall. Ali often found herself walking back from class a little faster in hopes of catching Ashlyn before she left for her P.E. class, or waiting to eat dinner on nights she knew Ashlyn had her late lab and would be eating after. Ali didn’t know what if anything would ever become of her and Ashlyn, but she knew she liked being near her.

  
Ashlyn pulls open the door to the dining hall and holds it open for Ali. Ali grabs two plastic trays and hands one to Ashlyn. Ashlyn mutters a quick thank you before heading off to the grill where she orders two grilled cheese sandwiches, add tomato. Ali meanwhile gets two cups of soup- one tomato and one chicken noodle- then grabs two red apples, two waters, and two sets of silverware. Ashlyn meets her at the salad bar, swapping one sandwich for a cup of soup, and taking one set of silverware, one apple, and a water before handing Ali a plate from the stack at the end of the bar. They stand on opposite sides, sliding their trays along as they work on their edible creations.   
“Why even bother getting lettuce?” Ashlyn asks as Ali adds yes another helping of beets to her salad.

  
“I’ve thought about skipping it before, but my dad always said a meal isn’t a meal without something green.” Ali shrugs.

  
Ashlyn laughs as Ali heaps a few more beets on and heads for the blue cheese dressing.

  
“Does the benefit of the green thing still count when you smother it in salad dressing?” Ashlyn teases.

  
“Hey, he just said we had to eat something green. I can dress it up however I want.” Ali looks expectantly at Ashlyn who just shakes her head. “Oh come on! That was funny! Get it? ‘ _Dress_ it up’ because it’s salad _dress_ ing.” Ali explains.

  
“Oh, I got it.” Ashlyn replies.

  
“It was funny!” Ali defends.

  
“Well it was certainly _something_.”

  
“Yeah, something _funny._ ” Ali says.

  
The girls carry on like this, Ashlyn intentionally riling Ali up, and Ali letting her, until they’ve just settled on a table and sat down. Ashlyn’s phone rings, putting an end to their banter.

  
“Hello?” Ashlyn answers.

  
Ali starts to pick at her salad while Ashlyn takes the call, stabbing a single beet slice with her fork and nibbling around it. She tries to focus more on her beets than on Ashlyn, but she could see her tensing up as the conversation went on. Whoever was on the other end of the line was doing most of the talking, and while she couldn’t make out what was being said, she could hear that their tone was aggressive.

  
“Yeah, okay.” Ashlyn says quietly, her facial expression blank. “I understand.”

  
Ashlyn listens again for a short moment and then mutters a “bye” before hanging up. She sets her phone on the table and picks up her spoon, staring down into the cup as she swirls it around but never takes a bite. Ali waits for Ashlyn to say something but silence keeps dragging on.

  
“Um, is everything okay?” Ali tries to ask as casually as she can.

  
“Huh?” Ashlyn looks up from her soup and seems almost surprised to see Ali sitting there.

  
“Is everything okay?” Ali asks again.

  
“Yeah, of course.” Ashlyn nods with a smile and hollow eyes.

  
Ali hesitates just a moment before she speaks. This is the moment she finds out where they stand. Ashlyn had opened up the other night, but it had been under the influence of alcohol and the pair had never discussed it. But Ali knew they felt closer now. She’d been trying hard not to push too hard with Ashlyn for fear of her shutting down and pulling away. But tonight, Ashlyn clearly needs someone to talk to, and Ali is ready to be that person.

  
“That’s bullshit.” Ali says, stabbing another beet with her fork. She stares right at Ashlyn as she eats it.

  
Ashlyn meets Ali’s eyes briefly before shaking her head and letting go of her spoon.

  
“It’s not.” Ashlyn leans back in her chair. “Things are the way that they are and being upset doesn’t do anything to change that so there’s no point.”

  
“No point in being upset?” Ali clarifies.

  
“Right.” Ashlyn answers.

  
“So if my dog got hit by a car and I was crying, you’d think I should stop because being upset wouldn’t bring him back to life?” Ali poses.

  
“No, of course not.” Ashlyn grumbles.

  
“But things are they way they are and being upset doesn’t change that.” Ali counters.

  
“That’s different.”

  
“Why? How?”

  
“Just because I don’t see the point for myself doesn’t mean that I don’t think you’re entitled to your feelings.”

  
“So it’s just you?” Ali’s eyes never leave Ashlyn.

  
“Yeah, I guess.” Ashlyn picks up her sandwich and starts eating to distract herself.

  
“Why don’t you get to have feelings, Ashlyn?” Ali reaches across the table to hold Ashlyn’s wrist.

  
Ashlyn chews slowly and swallows as Ali waits for her answer. She reaches for her water glass and takes a long drink while Ali’s hand never leaves her arm.

  
“My feelings tend to get me in trouble.” Ashlyn quietly confesses. “I’ve just learned that it’s easier for everyone if I don’t.”

  
“‘Everyone’ meaning your mom.” Ali puts together.

  
“Yes, but it’s more than just her. She takes things out on other people. It’s better for a lot of people when I don’t have feelings.” Ashlyn explains.

  
“Ash, there’s no one here to protect. It’s just me and you. You can feel things here.”

  
“I don’t know if I want to.”

  
“Will you at least tell me what is is that you’re choosing to not be upset about then?” Ali asks.

  
“I was supposed to go home for Thanksgiving. My mom was going to pay for the flight but every time I’ve called to talk about booking something before the prices skyrocketed, it wasn’t a good time. Now they’re too expensive and she can’t afford it.”

  
“I’m so sorry.” Ali gives her arm a gentle squeeze.

  
“It’s my own damn fault.” Ashlyn says, her tone laced with the anger she feels towards herself. “I knew I shouldn’t have counted on her to come through. I should have started looking for jobs and saving up for it.”

  
“Could you drive?” Ali suggests.

  
“It’s a long drive for only a week long break. I could consider it but honestly I just don’t know if it’s worth it. I don’t even think my mom really wants me there.”

  
“Then come to my aunt’s house with me!” Ali says excitedly.

  
“What?” Ashlyn looks confused.

  
“Then you should come and stay at my aunt’s with me.” Ali repeats, slower this time.

  
“I can’t just barge in on your family, Alex.” Ashlyn shakes her head.

  
“Oh, sure you can. My aunt invites everyone. One year when she was buying some last minutes things for dinner, she found out the checker at the grocery store didn’t have any plans because he was working most of the day. She literally sent someone out to pick him up after his shift and bring him to her house where she not only had a plate saved for him, but made us all sit down and chat at the table while he ate. If I tell her I have a friend who is just sitting on campus all week, she’ll probably come and get you herself.” Ali says with a laugh.

  
“Your aunt lives here, right?”

  
“Yeah, so if you have a terrible time you can make up some excuse and come back to campus.” Ali offers.

  
“You really don’t think she’d mind if I showed up for dinner?” Ashly asks.

  
“Not at all!” Ali insists. “But I’m not just inviting you for dinner, Ashlyn. You should come stay the week with me. You’ll love my aunt, and my mom and brother are flying in too so you can meet them! It’ll be so much fun you have to come.”

  
“It’s a really nice offer, Ali, really. But you haven’t even talked to you aunt about it.”

  
“What if I call her and ask? Then will you consider it?”

  
“If you call her and she genuinely doesn’t mind the idea, I’ll consider it.” Ashlyn agrees.

  
“Great.” Ali grins. “I can’t wait.”

  
***

  
Ali hurries back from class on Thursday afternoon to start getting ready for their evening out. Earlier in the day they had all discussed the plan for the evening. Kelley and Ashlyn had both offered and as it worked out, Kelley would be taking Syd, Tobin, and Emily, and Ashlyn was to take Ali, Allie, and Alex. But during her last class, Ali received a text saying that Allie and Alex had to bail because of some volleyball thing, meaning it would be just Ali and Ashlyn for the drive.

  
When Ali gets back to her room she tries on about four different outfits before settling on a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and a pale pink sweater. She puts on a pair of gray ankle boots and the pearl stud earrings her grandmother gave her for her 18th birthday. Once she’s pleased with her outfit, she sits down to amp up her makeup, adding a couple extra coats of mascara, before straightening her hair.

  
“Wow, Al.” Sydney says when she gets back from her own classes for the day and sees Ali working on her hair. “You look really pretty.”

  
“Thanks!” Ali beams. “I know we’re just going to a movie but look good, feel good, right?”

  
“Absolutely.” Sydney agrees. “And it doesn’t hurt if the girl across the hall thinks you look good too.”

  
“Ugh.” Ali groans. “You’re almost as bad as Kelley.”

  
“Ali. Honey.” Sydney looks at her friend with mock-pity. “I practically have to wipe the drool from your mouth when she walks in the room. You’re an easy target.”

  
“Okay, so I think she’s kind of cute.” Ali rolls her eyes.

  
Before Sydney can respond, Ashlyn comes through the doorway, followed by Kelley, Emily, and Tobin.

  
“You guys ready to go yet?” Kelley asks.

  
“Yep!” Ali chirps, pleased to have exit from the conversation they were having. Sydney nods in agreement and the group sets out for their adventure.

  
Up until this point, Ali had never been in Ashlyn’s car. She knew that it was important to her so Ali was kind of excited to see what it would say about Ashlyn.   
Ashlyn leads Ali through the parking lot to her white, 1998 Jeep Cherokee and unlocks Ali’s door for her. Ali takes in the car as she climbs in. It’s clean, inside and out, and in good condition for an older car. It’s clear Ashlyn takes care of it too. Ali notices the pair on sunglasses that sit in one of the cup holders, and the three hair ties wrapped around the handle of the emergency break. There’s a strand of aqua color plastic beads hanging from her rearview mirror, along with the tassel from her graduation cap.   
Ashlyn starts the car and James Taylor’s Fire and Rain starts playing through the speakers.

  
“You can pick something else if you want.” Ashlyn offers, flipping down her sunvisor to reveal a cd holder. “They’re mostly mixed CDs but you can look through them if you want.”

  
“I like James Taylor.” Ali says with a smile. “I also like these.” She points to the beads on the mirror. “Not sure I would have these were your style though.”  
Ashlyn laughs lightly and reaches for her sunglasses. “No? You don’t think I’m the costume jewelry type?”

  
“Well, I am still getting to know you.” Ali says.

  
“They were my great grandma’s.” Ashlyn explains. “When I was little I used to love going to visit her and getting into this red train case she had filled with costume jewelry. I was always a tomboy, but I loved the colors. I’d sit on the floor and put on all these different necklaces and she’d tell me where she got them or what she wore them to. I loved it.”

  
“That’s so cute.”

  
“Maybe a little.” Ashlyn shrugs. “She died when I was in middle school. It was sad because I loved her, but she was 98 year-old so we were expecting it. After her funeral, my grandma gave me the whole train case and told me she thought her mom would want me to have it.”

  
“Okay, now I might cry. That’s really sweet.”

  
“It gets better.” Ashlyn replies. “After graduation, my grandma gave me an envelope with my name on it, in writing that I knew wasn’t her’s.”

  
“From your great grandmother?” Ali asks incredulously.

  
“Yep.” Ashlyn says. “Apparently before she died, she sat down and wrote cards for all of her great grandkids for their high school graduations. Two hundred-dollar bills inside. I used mine to help pay for this Jeep. When I finally bought it, I knew I needed her beads up here.” Ashlyn taps the mirror. “I went through the whole case to pick just the right ones.”

  
“You’re a lot sweeter than you let people believe, you know that?” Ali asks.

  
“Yeah, well, don’t go ruining my reputation now.”

  
“I would never.” Ali says seriously. “We can’t risk people thinking you have a heart.”

  
“They don’t call me Tinman for nothing.”

  
“No one calls you that.” Ali laughs.

  
“You don’t know that!” Ashlyn says, indignant.

  
“Okay. Who calls you that then?” Ali says shooting Ashlyn a skeptical look. Ashlyn doesn’t say anything. “That’s what I thought.”

  
“Well, they should.” Ashlyn defends.

  
Ali is laughing at Ashlyn’s childlike pout when her phone rings. “Oh!”She says excitedly.

  
“Hi Aunt Shelley!” Ali answers the call. There’s a short pause before Ali says, “Yeah, of course. Let me put you on speaker.”

  
At that, Ashlyn shoots her a puzzled expression.

  
“She wants to talk to you.” Ali says matter-of-factly.

  
“What? Why?” Ashlyn asks, still confused. But Ali doesn’t answer, she just puts on the phone on speaker.

  
“Okay Aunt Shelley, she can hear you.”

  
“Oh, good.” Shelley responds. “Hi Ashlyn, honey. How are you?”

  
“Uh, I’m well thank you.” Ashlyn says. “And you?”

  
“I’m just fine, sweetie! Thank you for asking!” Shelley says back. “Now, honey, Ali says your Thanksgiving plans fell through and you’re going to be on campus by yourself for fall break, is this true?”

  
“Um, yes ma’am, it is.”

  
“Well, sweetheart, you’re just going to have to come and stay with me for the week and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

  
“I appreciate the offer, thank you.” Ashlyn says, hoping Ali can’t see her blushing.

  
“Oh, no. An offer is something you can reject. That’s not what this is. I’ll see you and Ali on November 16th when you’re classes wrap up. Bring your laundry! You too, Ali!”  
“You can count on it.” Ali says.

  
“Good. Bye-bye, girls! See you on the 16th!”

  
“Bye, Aunt Shelley.”

  
“Thank you. Bye.” Ashlyn adds before the line cuts off.

  
“Guess you’re spending Thanksgiving with me.” Ali says with a huge smile on her face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> What do you think Thanksgiving will bring? Will there be *gasp* bed sharing?!
> 
> Let me know!


	7. Siblings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been waiting so patiently for me to update! I am so sorry I always keep you waiting! I hope you enjoy this one and as always please let me know what you think in the comments below! Or, come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com.

“Okay.” Ali says seriously, dropping herself down onto Ashlyn’s bed with a pen and notebook in hand. “I’ve already written out the specific things you’ll need to consider when planning your outfits, broken down by day, but you’ll have to let me know if you have any particular needs to address.”

 

Ashlyn stares at Ali with a look of wonderment and skepticism.

 

“Are you for real right now?” Ashlyn asks, though she already knows the answer.

 

Ali chooses to ignore the question and continue on with her list. “The first weekend we don’t have many plans, but Monday we’ll drive to Seattle to pick up Mom and Kyle from the airport and we’ll be staying the night there.  Wednesday night is Aunt Shelley’s annual Gratitude Bonfire, and then, obviously, Thursday is Thanksgiving. Friday we shop, Saturday we rest. Then Sunday we come back here.”

 

“We’re staying in Seattle?” Ashlyn asks. “Wait, what the hell is a “gratitude bonfire”?

 

Ali throw her head back in laughter as she watches Ashlyn’s expressions change with her questions.

 

“A Gratitude Bonfire is a big party where Aunt Shelley invites all the neighbors and friends and family members nearby to come sit outside at her house, usually in the rain, around a giant bonfire. We eat a bunch of pasta, make s’mores, and feel grateful to spend time together and stuff.” Ali explains.

 

“Pasta?”

 

“Most people spend a lot of the day before thanksgiving cooking, so instead of either having to make double herself, or ask friends to do more work, Aunt Shelley gets a bunch of food from the Italian restaurant she used to manage.”

 

“And Seattle?”

 

“Oh, right! Well, as I’m sure you know, Seattle is home to the very first Nordstrom--”

 

“Why would I know that?” Ashlyn interrupts.

 

“Doesn’t everybody?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh.” Ali shrugs. “Well, now you do!”

 

“I suppose I do.” Ashlyn nods. “And this is important because…?”

 

“This is important because whenever my mom and I come visit for Thanksgiving, we make a trip to the original Nordstrom to buy our outfits for dinner!”

 

“Right. Of course.” Ashlyn says with mock seriousness.

 

“Oh stop.” Ali whines playfully. “It’s a lot of fun and you’re going to love it. We also go wander around the market and go the original Starbucks and have dinner at Palace Kitchen. It’s one of my favorite traditions.”

 

“I can tell.” Ashlyn smiles at Ali, but it falls.

 

“What?” Ali asks.

 

“I don’t want to crash your family tradition. I can just chill here until you guys get back. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

 

“What?! No way!” Ali looks offended by the thought. “You have to come! Please? You  _ have  _ to.” Ali’s tone is even slightly panicked now.

 

“Hey, it’s okay, Alex. I’ll go with you. I just didn’t want to crash too many parties.” Ashlyn reassures.

 

Ali’s shoulders relax as she lets out a sigh of relief.

 

“What’s a girl have to do to get you to understand that you’re welcome?” She asks. “You’re wanted.”

 

Ashlyn’s initial response is to feel uncomfortable. She’s not used to feeling wanted so the thought makes her recoil a bit. But seeing Ali’s reaction when she offered to stay was more upsetting than her discomfort for being noticed and she wanted to do anything she could to make Ali happy.

 

“We’ll see if you still feel that way at the end of the week. I might be a terrible house guest.” Ashlyn teases.

 

“We already live together, Ashlyn.” Ali says, shaking her head.

 

“A dorm is a very different experience.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

“I’m willing to take the risk. I’m pretty sure I can handle you.”

 

“We’ll see.” Ashlyn winks.

 

Ali laughs lightly before turning back to her list and demanding Ashlyn pull out her duffle bag and start making piles. The two work together for the next two hours, laughing and talking about anything and everything that comes to mind. By the time Ali heads to her own room for the night, Ashlyn is all packed and ready to go, and her outfits for the rest of the week are selected, folded and stacked in order.

 

***

 

Ali directs Ashlyn to turn down the rural road her aunt lives off of with an excited smile.

 

“Uh.” Ashlyn glances at Ali quickly. “We’re in the middle of nowhere.”

 

“I told you she lived outside of town.”

 

“We’re not out of town, we’re out of civilization!”

 

“I promise you this isn’t the part of the trip where I lead you into the woods and murder you.” Ali jokes.

 

“Oh, good!” Ashlyn says with fake relief.

 

“That’s not until later.” Ali adds.

 

“Right, of course. Don’t want to ruin the joy of the holiday.” Ashlyn plays back.

 

“See? you get it.” Ali says.

 

“Wow, this place is really gorgeous.” Ashlyn comments as she finally turns down the long drive. She’s stunned by al the trees and the leaves in reds, oranges, and yellows, fluttering down to the green grass below. All of it amplified by the rich gray skies they’re set against.

 

“I guess that’s the upside to country living. You can’t beat the view.” Ali adds.

 

“We don’t really get a typical fall in Florida. It’s nothing like this. I wore shorts on Thanksgiving last year.”

 

“I get what you’re saying here, but you also tried to pack shorts to wear this year, so.”

 

“I like to be comfortable!” Ashlyn defends. “They’re draw string so you can eat more!”

 

“You’re ridiculous!” Ali laughs.

 

Ashlyn’s hardly put the car in park before Ali’s passenger door is open and she’s bounding up the porch to hug her aunt. Ashlyn gets out of her car slowly, closing her door and then Ali’s as she rounds the jeep and heads to meet her friend. When she reaches the porch, Ashlyn hangs back a couple of feet, her hands shoved in her pockets, eyes to the ground, focusing on the leaf she’s kicking with the scuffed toe of her black Converse sneaker.

 

“This is my friend, Ashlyn.” Ali’s hand reaches back and gently grabs Ashlyn’s arm, pulling her up beside her on the step.

 

“Hi, Ashlyn!” Aunt Shelley says with a big grin that looks just like Ali’s. The woman opens her arms up and gives Ashlyn a good squeeze. “I’m a hugger, sorry.” Shelley says. “Wait. No, I’m not.” she adds with a laugh at her own joke.

 

“Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.” Ashlyn offers.

 

“The more the merrier, honey. We’re glad to have you here.” Shelley replies. “Now let’s get your stuff inside so you can get settled, start your laundry, all that stuff.”

 

After they’ve hauled their bags and laundry into the house, Aunt Shelley leads them into the kitchen where she has a plate of cheese, crackers, and fruit out on the kitchen island.

 

“I was going to make tea, but it’s already 5 o’clock.” Shelley says. She reaches up to the wine rack above the fridge and pulls down a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. “Clearly it’s time for wine. You like Cab Sauv, don’t you, Al?”

 

“Mmhmm.” Ali nods.

 

“Ashlyn?” Shelley asks.

 

“Oh, um, yeah?” Ashlyn answers nervously.

 

“You don’t have to drink it if you’re not comfortable, honey.” Shelley says, noting Ashlyn’s discomfort.

 

“She’ll have a glass.” Ali answers for her. “I forgot to fill her in on how we do things around here.” Ali hops up on a stool and faves Ashlyn. “We love food in this family. We love wine. We love coffee.”

 

“We sure do!” Shelley says with the pop of the cork.

 

“My brother and I, my cousins, we’ve all been able to try wine since we were pretty young. Just a sip here or there and then as we got to be teenagers  we could have a small glass whenever someone opened a nice bottle or it was a holiday. Rule as always been that once you’re in college, you can drink wine like the rest of the adults.” Ali explains.

 

“That’s very…European.” Ashlyn says.

 

“I know you mean pretentious.” Ali replies. “But you’re being nice because you want the wine.”

 

“Pretty much.” Ashlyn agrees.

 

Shelley places a glass in front of each other girls and then raises her own. “To being pretentious.”

 

“To pretension.” Ali raises her glass to meet her aunt’s.

 

“To being European.” Ashlyn adds her own glass to the mix.

 

The three women spend the next hour in the kitchen talking and snacking and sipping their wine. Ashlyn like Ali’s aunt. She’s fun, and real, and reminds her a lot of Ali. She also really like watching Ali interact with her aunt. She feels like she’s seeing a new version of Ali. It’s nothing that she doesn’t already know, but it’s deeper.

 

“I’m refusing to cook anything this week except for Thursday’s dinner.” Shelley states.

 

“Seems reasonable.” Ali says.

 

“I think so too.” Shelley agrees. “So we’ll be having take out this evening.”

 

“Chinese?” Ali asks.

 

“Our usual should be ready for pick-up in 15.” Shelley answers.

 

“Well if we’re not leaving the house, I’m putting on pajamas.” Ali says, hopping off her chair. “I’ll show you where we’ll be sleeping.” She directs at Ashlyn.

 

Ashlyn nods and picks up her bag, following Ali upstairs to the guest bedroom. The room has hardwood floors and three big windows all along one wall. It’s dark out by the time they get there, but the back porchlight gives just enough light to tell that the view looks out to the backyard and the wooded area just beyond. The room is fairly small but with enough room for the queen-sized bed covered in a handmade quilt, two end tables, and a dresser.

 

“You can pick a side.” Ali says, “But I prefer the window side.”

 

“Well I usually sleep in the middle so take whatever side you want, but be prepared to shove.”

 

“I’m a sleep snuggler, I probably won’t even notice.” Ali pulls her shirt over her head as she speaks.

 

Ashlyn wants to stare. She knows she shouldn’t. Ali is her friend, and Ali isn’t gay, and Ali is standing four feet from her wearing a light blue bra with a little pink bow.

 

“Ashlyn?” Ali asks.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What do you think?”

 

“Think about what?”

 

“About tomorrow.”

 

“Um.”

 

“You totally checked out on me, didn’t you?” Ali asks, already knowing the answer.

 

“Sorry. I got distracted.”

 

“It’s okay.” Ali laughs. She think the embarrassed look on Ashlyn’s face is absolutely adorable. “I was just asking if you wanted me to drive my aunt’s car to Seattle  tomorrow or if you wanted to drive?”

 

“She’s not coming with us?”

 

“She works through Tuesday so she can’t.”

 

“Oh, bummer.”

 

“Yeah.” Ali nods. “But to be honest, I’m kind of looking forward to doing the drive with you. Getting a chance to talk, you know?”

 

“Don’t we talk all the time?”

 

“Yes. But it’s different when you’re driving. I don’t know if it’s just because you’re concentrating on driving but you also let little things slip when you drive. Little details about you.” Ali says.

 

“Oh, so you just want information, huh?” Ashlyn teases.

 

“That’s it.” Ali agrees. She sits down on the bed and offers Ashlyn a sincere smile. “I like knowing you, Ash. I don’t think a lot of people do.”

 

“That’s because not many do.”

 

“I like knowing you.”

 

***

 

Traffic isn’t too bad on the way to Seattle. Aunt Shelley gave both girls a travel mug with coffee for the trip, but Ali’s excitement to see her mom and brother was energy enough for both of them. The whole hour and 15 minute drive, Ali was practically vibrating with excitement. She talked a mile a minute with details about them, Ashlyn, of course, asking if there would be a test later.

 

Ashlyn had learned that Ali was most excited to see her brother. He was three years older than Ali, and her best friend. He was currently living in LA and going to film school. By the way Ali talked about him, you could tell that he was her hero.

 

“I love that you and your brother are so close.” Ashlyn notes.

 

“We really are. I think a lot of people don’t understand it. I have so many friends who don’t get along with their siblings.” Ali says sadly.

 

“What do you think makes it different for you guys?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“A lot of it is our parents. They never held each other to the same expectations because we were the same kid. We’re different people and they’ve always recognized that. I mean, we always had standards we needed to meet and were held to, but they were different depending on who we were and what we needed at the time. A lot of the people I know who don’t get along with their siblings have this jealousy or competition between them. Or they feel like they can never be as good or as loved or whatever else as the other. But it’s not like that for us.” Ali explains.

 

“Yeah, I can get that.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Is it like that with your brother?” Ali asks.

 

“Kind of.” Ashlyn says, staring intently in front of her at the stop sign as she thinks about it. “My parents also treated my brother and I differently, but not because we were different and they knew who we were. It’s mostly because I’m a girl and he’s a boy and that meant different things to them.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I love my brother.” Ashlyn turns to Ali now, her eye pleading with Ali to understand that what she says is true. “More than anything. I would do anything for him.”

 

“I know you do.” Ali says quietly.

 

“I don’t want it to sound like I don’t believe that he deserves the things he gets or how he’s treated. He’s a great kid. He does.” Ashlyn defends before explaining. Ali reads Ashlyn’s tone and has an idea of where she’s coming from.

 

“Of course not.” Ali reassures Ashlyn that she understands. “But you deserve things too, Ash.”

 

Ashlyn lets out a heavy sigh and stares harder at the road ahead of her. She can feel Ali watching her from the passenger seat. She feels her hand reach out and gently rub her arm to comfort her.

 

“It’s just little things.” Ashlyn shrugs. “They do so much for him that I’ve always had to do on my own. When I hit high school, I was responsible for paying for my own clothes and shoes or anything else I wanted. They usually gave me a little money at the start of the school year but after that it was on me to get a job and earn money and pay for myself. My brother is a junior this year and my mom and dad buy him everything. They actually told him not to get a job because they wanted him to focus more on school. I know that sounds really petty.”

 

“No, it doesn't’t.” Ali says. “It sound frustrating and I totally understand how that would feel unfair.”

 

“I was never allowed to hang out with my friends more than one or two nights a week. Sometimes I’d ask my mom if I could go over to my best friend Celeste’s house and her reason for saying no was that I’d been there already that week and needed to spend time with the family. But my brother can spend everyday out with her friends and they don’t even ask where he is or what he’s doing half the time. It wouldn’t bother me so much if they just acknowledged it, but my mom is always telling me they did the same things for me. It’s like she’s trying to rewrite the past.”

 

“There’s a term for that.” Ali grumbles under her breath.

 

“What was that?” Ashlyn asks, having not heard what Ali said.

 

“Nothing. I was being rude. I’m sorry.”

 

“Rude to me?” Ashlyn asks, surprised.

 

“No, to your mom.” Ali says sheepishly.

 

“Oh, well now I really want to know.” Ashlyn says, smiling again.

 

“It was nothing, really. I just think your mom sounds like a difficult woman and I’m sorry she’s made you feel less than because you are so much. I wish you knew that.”

 

“Hey, that’s sweet, Alex. Thanks.”

 

Ali lets the conversation drop there, even though she can tell Ashlyn doesn’t really believe her, she just didn’t know what else to say. She wants to grab Ashlyn by the shoulders and look her in the eyes and  _ make _ her hear her words. Ali gets lost a moment, imagining herself holding Ashlyn by the shoulders, they’re faces only inches apart, but they Ashlyn pulls her from it.

 

“That’s enough of my shit for this drive. Tell me more about your brother.”

 

“Okay.” Ali says, straightening up in her seat and shifting herself more towards Ashlyn. “What do you want to know?”

 

“I don’t know. Anything. Everything? Tell me your favorite story about him.” Ashlyn poses.

 

“Okay.” Ali thinks for a moment. “Oh, I know.”

 

“Alright, let’s hear it.” Ashlyn says excitedly.

 

“It’s not, like, funny, or embarrassing or anything like that.” Ali prefaces. “But it’s definitely my favorite Kyle story.”

“I want to hear it then.” Ashlyn replies.

 

“Okay, well, sometimes I get panic attacks. They’re really embarrassing and awful and to this day I have only ever let two people witness them and that’s Kyle and my mom. Kyle’s the only person who’s ever been able to talk me down from one. Sometimes they’re so bad they last for hours.”

 

“Really?” Ashlyn asks. “I didn’t know that about you.”

 

“I don’t tell anyone.” Ali says. “You’re welcome.”

 

“And here you thought you’d be getting all the secrets out of me.” Ashlyn jokes.

 

“Don’t looks so pleased.” Ali says.

 

“Right, sorry.” Ashlyn laughs. “Please go on.”

 

“So. I have panic attacks. But the very first one I had was when I was a little girl. I was probably seven or eight years old. I woke up in the middle of the night, completely nauseated, shaking, heart racing. I was scared and crying and kept trying to throw up, but I couldn’t. My mom had no idea what was wrong and she was trying to comfort me but I just couldn’t shake it. So I’m laying on the bathroom floor with my pillow, in the middle of the night, and the bathroom door creaks open. My mom and I look up and there’s kyle with a pillow and blanket under one arm and this big book under the other. He doesn’t say anything at all, he just squeezes in and climbs in the bathtub with his stuff and starts reading. ‘ _ Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.’ _ ”

 

“Harry Potter?”

 

“Yep.” Ali grins. “After that night he read the first three books out loud to me. He even recorded a few chapters when he went to summer camp so we could still read together when he was gone.”

 

“Okay, that is disgustingly sweet.” Ashlyn says. “He sounds really great.”

 

“Well you’re about to find out!” Ali almost squeals as Ashlyn pulls into the terminal at the airport. “There he is!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> What happens when Ashlyn meets the family? What do you think will happen at Thanksgiving dinner?
> 
> Let me know!


	8. Gratitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Thanksgiving chapter for you a little late. I hope you'll still enjoy it! Please let me know what you think in the comments! And as always, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Come find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com

The first thing Ashlyn notices is that Kyle and Ali could be twins. They share the same warm, toothy smile, and eyes that crinkle at the corners when they do.

 

Ali launches herself out of the car before Ashlyn has even come to a complete stop. Ashlyn laughs as she starts grabbing Kyle’s bags from beside the pair of siblings, currently clinging to each other and making unintelligible squeals and giggles. Once the bags are in the back of her jeep, Ashlyn leans against the side of the car and waits patiently for Kyle and Ali to come back to reality.

 

“Wait, where’s my stuff?” Kyle asks, confused.

 

“Already in the car, don’t worry.” Ashlyn says, taking a step forward and extending at hand. “I’m Ashlyn.”

 

“Sorry, I’m a hugger!” Kyle says forgoing the hand and throwing an arm around her instead. “It’s good to meet you, Ashlyn.”

 

“You too.” Ashlyn laughs, trying hard not to look uncomfortable. It’s not that she was against the gesture, she’s just not used to it.

 

“So when does mom get it?” Kyle asks.

 

“Not for a couple of hours. Just long enough to go back into the city for some Beecher’s mac!” Ali says excitedly.

 

“Just what I was hoping you’d say!” Kyle replies, pulling open the front passenger door and climbing in.

 

“Um, excuse me!” Ali crosses her arms over her chest.

 

“There’s no excuse for you, Sis.” Kyle teases back.

 

“Very funny.” Ali says with narrowed eyes. “Now get out of my seat.”

 

“Alex. You can’t really expect me to get to know the one and only Ashlyn Harris from the backseat! It's been ‘Ashlyn this’ and ‘Ashlyn that’ for the last eight weeks. I need to know what all the hype is about.”

 

Ali’s cheeks flush as her attention goes immediately to getting into the backseat of the car without another word.

 

“That means you’re navigating.” Ashlyn says, looking to Kyle.

 

“That’s what Siri is for, but I can help.” Kyle grabs Ashlyn’s phone for the mount on her dashboard and types in their destination. “So. Ashlyn. Are you ready?”

 

“For Thanksgiving with your family?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“No, no.” Kyle shakes his head. “For shopping with my sister.”

 

***

 

Two hours later, Ashlyn pulls into arrivals at the airport once again. She, Ali, and Kyle had enjoyed their lunch before walking over to Pike Place Market and taking a selfie in front of the big, red, ‘Public Market’ sign. Ashlyn had been relieved at how easy conversation with Kyle was and how quickly they seemed comfortable around one another. She knew Kyle was important to Ali, so she’d been stressing over what would happen if he didn’t like her or they didn’t get along. Kyle shared Ali’s sense of humor, as well as a certain sweetness and sincerity. They shared most of their opinions and interests. Talking to Kyle felt a lot like talking to Ali. But they had their differences too. Kyle is an artist, experiencing life through what he sees and feels and creates. Ali is a thinker, experiencing the world through idea and reflections. Kyle is spontaneous and free-spirited. Ali is a planner, and a bit more mysterious. Ashlyn spots Debbie without being told when a middle-aged woman with that same familiar smile steps out of the revolving door. She wonders if Debbie is more the thinker or the artist.

 

Ashlyn puts her jeep in park and hurries out to help Debbie with her bags. Ali and Kyle greet their mother squeals and giggles just as they greeted each other before, but this time, Ali remembers to acknowledge Ashlyn

 

“Mom, you remember Ashlyn.” Ali says with a big smile on her face.

 

Ashlyn discreetly wipes her palm on her jeans before extending it out to Ali’s mom. “It’s really nice to see you again, ma’am. Thank you for letting me crash your plans tonight.”

 

“It’s not crashing when you’re invited, Ashlyn. I was thrilled when Ali said you’d be joining us. Ali talks about you all the time so I’ve been look forward to getting to know you better myself.” Debbie says warmly.

 

Ali’s face flushes slightly again.

 

Ali and Debbie get in the passenger side, while Ashlyn and Kyle round the jeep to the driver’s side. Kyle stops a brief moment before getting in the car.

 

“Are you always this nervous around a friend’s mother?” His tone is smug and he doesn’t bother waiting for an answer before closing the door.

 

“Okay, where to next?” Ashlyn asks once back inside the car.

 

“Hotel.” Ali and Deb say together.

“We should drop off the bags before we shop.” Debbie says.

 

“We’ll need the trunk space.” Ali adds.

 

“Oh boy.” Ashlyn says with a shake of her head, causing everyone else in the car to burst into laughter.

 

“You should have prepared her for this, Al.” Kyle jokingly chastises.

 

“Welcome to the family, hon.” Debbie pats Ashlyn on the shoulder.

 

Debbie directs Ashlyn downton to The Westin, a hotel with two, tall, round towers. When they arrive, Debbie tells her to just pull up to the front doors and Ashlyn assumes she just wants to drop off their bags so she’s started when a man in a dress shirt and shiny vest opens the door for her and asks for her keys.

 

“Oh, um--” Ashlyn tries to refuse, but Debbie cuts her off.

 

“They’ll take good care of it, don’t worry.” She reassures. She slips the valet a five dollar bill before turning to head inside.

 

Ashlyn looks around for her bag only to find it piled on a luggage cart and already being wheeled inside by a bellhop. She jogs up beside Ali’s mom.

 

“My jeep will be fine in the lot if you prefer.” Ashlyn offers. “I don’t want you to waste your money on that old thing.”

 

“Valet was included with the room, might as well use it, right?” Debbie replies.

 

“I suppose so.” Ashlyn nods.

 

“Besides, I happen to know that car is very important to you. It would be worth it either way.”

 

Ashlyn opens her mouth to respond but Debbie is called to the counter to check in before she can. Ali walks up beside Ashlyn and throws an arm around her shoulder.

 

“I’m really happy you’re here.” She says quietly.

 

“Yeah?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Absolutely. This is the most fun Thanksgiving I’ve had in years, and we’ve still got all week!” Ali squeezes Ashlyn a little tighter.

 

“Your suite is all ready for you. You’ll take the elevators to the left and you’ll be on the 35th floor, with a city view.” The woman behind the counter says, handing over the key cards to Debbie.

 

“Thank you so much.” Debbie replies. “I already spoke with the gentleman outside, but we’ll be leaving again in about 15 minutes if they want to keep the car out.”

 

“Of course, ma’am. I’ll make sure it’s waiting for you. Are you doing doing anything special this afternoon?”

 

“Oh, yes.” Debbie says seriously. “I’m taking the kids shopping! Then I’m hoping we’ll get in at Palace Kitchen for dinner.”

 

“Sounds like a great day!” The women replies with her customer service enthusiasm. “Would you like me to call for a reservation?”

 

“That would be wonderful!” Debbie says appreciatively. “Seven o’clock would be about right if it’s available. Anything in that hour would be fine.”

 

“I’ll call up to your room with confirmation.”

 

“No need, I’ll just check back when we’re on our way out. Thank you!”

 

The hotel room is beautiful, with one full wall comprised of three, rounded, floor-to ceiling windows. There are two queen-sized beds with nice white linens and big fluffy pillows, and a sleeper-sofa already made up with the same big pillows and crisp linens. There’s a sitting area with a loveseat and armchair by a fireplace, and the large bathroom has marble tile floors and countertops.

 

While Debbie and Kyle change out of their plane clothes, Ali and Ashlyn hangout in the sitting area.

 

“Welp.” Ashlyn says, taking it all in. “This definitely isn’t the Holiday Inn.”

 

Ali laughs as she pulls open the curtains and revealing the stunning city view.

 

“Wow.” Ashlyn whispers.

 

“Not bad, huh?” Ali asks.

 

“It’s stunning. I’ve never stayed somewhere this nice before.” Ashlyn turns away and sits on the loveseat. “I feel kinda bad, if I’m being totally honest.”

 

Ali moves to sit beside Ashlyn, turning into her with a look of concern. “Why do you feel bad?” She asks.

 

“Your mom is paying for all this. The hotel, and dinner, and it’s all so nice. I feel like I should contribute more.”  Ashlyn explains.

 

Ali reaches for Ashlyn’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “Hey. It’s really sweet that you want to help, but my mom is the one who made these decisions because she wanted to share this with us, including you.”

 

“I guess I’m not used to it.” Ashlyn shrugs.

 

“You were invited as a guest, just to enjoy the trip, not to help with it.” Debbie says from behind them. “And yes, I was eavesdropping.”

 

“I really appreciate your generosity. I just feel bad that I can’t return it.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Ah.” Debbie nods in understanding. She sits down in the armchair across from the girls. “I understand.”

 

“You do?” Ashlyn asks. “I’m not sure that I do.”

 

“I do.” Debbie nods again. “It’s a very common misconception that kindness and doing nice things for others is a part of a system of checks and balances. I do this, you do that. You do this, and I do that.” She explains. “But it’s about appreciation, not reciprocation, and appreciation is shown in a lot of different ways. It doesn’t have to be said with words, or show with acts, or paid back. I see it when I watch you girls sing along to the radio in the car, or the sound of your laughter when you sit and chat. Those little moments give back a lot more than cash or check.”

 

The sweet moment is broken when Kyle emerges from the bathroom clapping his hands.

 

“Beautiful. Touching. Definitely worthy of a daytime Emmy nomination.” Kyle places a hand over his heart.

 

“Be nice, Kyle.” Debbie warns.

 

“Fine.” Kyle grabs a scarf and starts wrapping it around his neck. “Ashlyn, please don’t feel bad about any of this because Ali and I are mooching off our mother way more than you are. Also, don’t let Deb Deb fool you, she Pricelined this shit and got it 50% off.”

 

“Kyle!” Debbie scolds, though she’s laughing.

 

“What? It’s true! Can we go shopping now?!” Kyle defends.

 

***

 

The first hour at the Nordstrom is spent carefully wandering through every rack in the women’s department. Ali and Debbie call each other over for very serious discussions about bows and fabrics and draping before inevitably putting whatever item they were holding up back. Kyle offers up his opinions both when asked, and when not, and occasionally hands items to the sales associate pointing to the family member whose dressing room it should be hung in. Ashlyn follows Ali around, holding things when her arms get too full, and suggesting only the most hideous garments she can find.

 

When Ali and her mother are finally ready to head back to the dressing room, Ashlyn goes to follow but Kyle stops her.

 

“Come browse the men’s department with me.” He nods in the direction of the clothing section across the way.

 

Ashlyn looks at Ali, who is already halfway to the fitting rooms, and then back to Kyle, unsure of what to do.

 

“Let me tell you how this is going to go. They’re going to go in there and try everything on. First Ali’s going to love _ everything _ , then when she start re-trying it all on, she going to  _ hate _ everything. Then that sweet little sales girl is going to go in there and with something she found in the back. Finally Ali will narrow it down to her top five outfits and send us an SOS text to come back and help her decide. We’ll give our honest opinions, which she’ll ignore, and end up going with whatever she likes the best.” Kyle explains.

 

“That sounds complicated.” Ashlyn says.

 

“So is my sister.”

 

“I’m going to go let Ali know. I’ll meet you over there.”

 

“Oh, she already knows she’s complicated.” Kyle jokes.

 

“I’ll see you in a minute.” Ashlyn laughs.

 

Ashlyn finds Kyle perusing a stack of cashmere sweaters a few minutes later.

 

“That’s a nice color.” Ashlyn comments as she walks up beside him.

 

“Good because I’m making you try it on.” Kyle says tossing the sweater to Ashlyn.

 

“I’m just here to window shop.” Ashlyn reminds as she pulls the sweater over her head. “Oh wow, this thing is so soft!”

 

“And look how good you look, too.” Kyle turns Ashlyn around so she can see herself in the full length mirror behind them.

 

“So _ this _ is why people drop $80 on a sweater.” Ashlyn has to admit, she does look good.

 

Kyle just nods and moves to the next rack of clothing.

 

“So, Ashlyn.” Kyle starts.

“So, Kyle.” Ashlyn mimics.

 

“Do you have a thing for my sister?” Kyle asks.

 

“Geez, Kyle, don’t hold back.” Ashlyn deadpans.

 

“Not my style and you’ve learned that by now.” Kyle says.

 

“I have.” Ashlyn agrees.

 

“So?”

 

“So what?”

 

Kyle just looks at Ashlyn.

 

“I think Ali is an incredible person and I enjoy spending time with her.” Ashlyn states.

 

“That’s what I thought.” Kyle says with a satisfied smile.

 

“And,” Ashlyn continues, “she’s a great  _ friend _ .”

 

“A friend that you have a thing for.”

 

“She just got out of a relationship.” Ashlyn adds.

 

“Yes, ‘got out of’ being the key words there.” Kyle says.

 

“With a guy.” Ashlyn’s tone shifts slightly with her words, a seriousness laced with sadness.

 

“I get it.” Kyle’s tone also becomes more serious, and he stops browsing through the clothing to look Ashlyn in the eye when he speaks. “It’s clear how much you respect my sister. And trust me, I know how hard it can be to be the gay friend and not want to cross any lines. But I also know my sister. I know that the entire time she was with Jacob, she never once talked about him the way she talks about you. Her face didn’t light up when she said his name like it does when she says yours. She cared for him, she loved him even. But it was never with more enthusiasm than you love a favorite sweater. It’s soft, keeps you warm, looks good on you...but it’s still just a sweater.”

 

“That doesn’t mean I’m more to her than a friend.” Ashlyn says quietly.

 

“I’ve never seen her look at someone the way she looks at you. You’re no sweater.” Kyle replies.

 

“What am I then?”

 

“Someone who makes her happy.”

 

“Good.” Ashlyn says. “That’s good enough.”

 

“I’m not telling you this because I want you two to run off into the sunset, Ashlyn.” Kyle stares hard at Ashlyn.

 

“Then why are you?”

 

“Because I know you have feelings for her, and I’m watching her fall for you, hard. This is all brand new for her. Be careful with her.”

 

“It was all brand new for us as some point too, Kyle. We’ve survived.” Ashlyn says, a little annoyed.

 

“I don’t mean the day things, Ashlyn.” Kyle rolls his eyes. “I mean, that’s new too, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”

 

“What then?” Ashlyn asks, confused.

 

“Being in love. The real kind.”

 

“Oh.” Ashlyn swallows hard.

 

“Don’t you dare break my sister’s heart.”

 

Just then, Ashlyn and Kyle’s phones both sound with texts alerts. Ashlyn turns and head’s back toward where she left Ali. She gets about 16 feet away when she stops and turns back to Kyle.

 

“I’ve got one too, you know.”

 

***

 

The rest of their time is Seattle goes smoothly, despite the tension that lingers between Ashlyn and Kyle. They both do their best not to let on to Ali, and they still manage to enjoy their dinner out, a trip to the original Starbucks, and a stop at Pike’s Place to pick up flowers for the Gratitude Bonfire and Thanksgiving Dinner.

 

Ali is on cloud nine spending the week with all of her favorite people in the same place. She practically melts watching Ashlyn chatting with her mom, as they wait for their coffee. She can’t help but stop and take pictures everywhere they go, wanting to document every moment of this perfect trip.

 

When Ali went to pay for the flowers, Ashlyn beat her to it, handing over her own cash.

 

“Thank you, Ashlyn.” Ali says pulling out an orange ranunculus with a snapped stem.

 

“It’s not much, but now I can say I brought something to the table.” Ashlyn smiles.

 

Ashlyn takes the broken flower and tucks it behind Ashyn’s ear. “Beautiful.”

 

They make it back to Shelley’s house by early afternoon, just in time to help get things set up. Ashlyn helps Shelley set up three ten-by-ten tents, Ali following behind as they finish to wrap them with twinkle lights. Debbie and Kyle work on setting out tables and chairs. Once everything is setup and Shelley and Debbie head off to get the food, Ali and Ashlyn go to get ready for the evening.

 

When Ashlyn emerges from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, she finds Ali sitting on the floor of their shared guestroom, applying eyeliner in the full length mirror. She’s wear pajama shorts and a tank top, her hair in a pink, microfiber wrap on top of her head.

 

“Cute dress, Ash.” Ali says glancing at her through the mirror.

 

“Love what you’ve done with your hair, Al.” Ashlyn plays back.

 

“Kyle left your bag on the bed.” Ali says smiling at herself in the mirror as she applies her blush.

 

“My bag?” Ashlyn looks confused.

 

“Yeah, your Nordstrom bag. It’s sitting right there?” Ali turns around and points at the bag directly in front of Ashlyn.

 

Ashlyn peers into the bag and sees a handwritten note sitting atop the deep blue-green, cashmere sweater she’d tired on with Kyle.

 

“Oh.” Ashlyn says surprised.

 

“If it were a snake it would have bit you!” Ali teases.

 

“You know who uses that saying?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Who?”

 

“My grandma.”

 

“I don’t think you have room to make fun here when you couldn’t find the thing sitting two feet in front of you.” Ali retorts.

 

“Fair enough.” Ashlyn smiles.

 

When Ali goes back to working on her makeup, Ashlyn discretely reads the note from Kyle.

 

_ Ash -  _

_You are more than just a sweater and that’s a_ _really_ _good_ _thing_ _.  Take care of each other._

_ -Kyle _

 

***

 

The bonfire was a lot of fun. Ali loved introducing Ashlyn to everyone, and loved even more watching her chase her the neighbor kids around. Ashlyn charmed everyone, helped out without being asked, and made a great impression, but Ali could tell that she was starting to get overwhelmed. She grabs both of their jackets, swipes a bottle of red wine, and grabs Ashlyn’s hand, gently dragging her outside to farthest side of the fire.

 

“Here.” Ali says holding out the bottle of wine to Ashlyn.

 

“Happy hour?” Ashlyn asks.

 

“Are you happy?”

 

“I am.” Ashlyn takes a drink.

 

“Me too.” Ali takes one as well.  “My family adores you.”

 

“They’re pretty great.” Ashlyn grins.

 

“You seemed a little overwhelmed though. I thought it was time for a break.” Ali hands back the bottle.

 

Ashlyn nods and takes another drink. “It’s not them. My family is just very...different.”

 

“And mind is very weird.” Ali laughs, “it’s okay though, we like that about ourselves.”

 

Ashlyn takes another drink from the bottle and turns to face Ali on the bench, throwing one leg over the other side so she’s stradling it.

 

“This is a gratitude bonfire so I want to tell you what I’m grateful for.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Okay.” Ali smiles. She watches the reflection of the flames in Ashlyn’s eyes. She admires the soft glow on half of her perfect face.

 

“I’m grateful that you asked me to come with you and that you didn’t take no for an answer.” Ashlyn starts. She takes Ali’s hands in her own. “I’m grateful that you’ll share your family with me so I don’t have to be alone. I’m grateful that you think about me enough to throw me a birthday party, or grab an extra yogurt from the dining hall on the mornings you know I’m running late. I’m grateful to have someone kind and understanding who listens to me and pays attention. And I’m especially grateful for that night we shared that cigarette. I really needed someone that night and I’m so glad that it was you.”

 

Ali doesn’t say anything. She stares at Ashlyn, her eyes wide, her lips curled ever so slightly into a smile.

 

“I’m sorry.” Ashlyn says dropping Ali’s hand. “That was probably too much. It was stupid. I’m sorry.”

 

Ali grabs Ashlyn’s hands again. “Not too much.” Ali whispers. “Perfect.”

 

Ali stares again into Ashlyn’s eyes, but her smile has fallen, her expression uncertain. She searches for something in Ashlyn’s face for a long moment. Ashlyn wants to say something, she wants to soothe whatever unease she can see on Ali’s face but she doesn’t know how.

 

Ali leans in slowly, her eyes glancing to Ashlyn’s lips and back to her eyes, asking permission. When Ashlyn doesn’t lean away, Ali gently presses her lips to Ashlyn’s. At first she’s scared, unsure, but as she feels Ashlyn’s lips part slightly, as she leans into meet her, Ali’s confidence grows.

 

The kisses are sweet and slow. Ashlyn breathes in, the smell of Ali’s perfume mixing with the taste of red wine and she smiles, her hand moving to the side of Ali’s face. A few more kisses and Ali finally pulls away.

 

“I needed someone that night too. Thank you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts? What did you think? Let me know!
> 
> What do you think of Kyle and Ashlyn's exchange at the store?
> 
> What does the kiss mean??


	9. Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About time!!! Sorry this took me 12 and a half years, guys! I hope you enjoy this one! As a warning: there is conversation about suicidal thoughts in this chapter so if that's not your thing, stop reading when Ali leaves the room to go look for Ashlyn. Please let me know what you think in the comments, or find me on tumblr at letter-know.tumblr.com
> 
> Thanks for reading!

“I’m back!” Sydney announces dramatically from the doorway of her and Ali’s shared dorm room. “Did you miss me?”

 

“Like a limb lost in battle.” Ali says with mock sincerity.

 

“Sounds about right.” Syd shrugs. “I _ am _ your best and coolest friend, after all.”

 

“You’re certainly something.” Ali laughs. “How was your break?”

 

“It was great!” Sydney says excitedly. “The perfect amount of time. Long enough to spend time with my mom and my friends, but short enough to not get annoyed and start hating them.”

 

Ali throws her head back and laughs at Sydney’s blunt honesty.

 

“How about you?” Syd asks.

 

“It was really, really nice.” Ali’s smile is a bit too big. “It was so nice to see my mom and Kyle. I know it really hasn’t been that long but I missed them.”

 

“You’re precious.” Sydney says making a face at Ali. “And how did Ashlyn do? Did she survive, or did you have to let her slink back to her cave mid-week?”

 

“Oh, um, nope!” Ali’s voice get higher with each word. Her smile still too big, and  her eyes a little too nervous. “She was great! My family adores her, of course.” Ali rushes out. “I think they want to keep her!” She finishes with a nervous laugh.

 

“Oh. My. God.” Sydney says slowly. She drops the items of clothing she was unpacking and launches across the room to Ali. “What did you do?!”

 

“We went to Seattle, drank a lot of coffee, ate a lot of food…” Ali rattles off, pretending to misunderstand Sydney’s question.

 

“Ali Krieger, so help me--” Sydney is cut off by the sound of Ali’s phone going off.

 

“Oh! It’s my mom! I need to answer this.” Ali scrambles up from her bed, dodging Sydney’s attempt to snatch her phone, and heads for the door.

 

“You just spent a week with your mom, you can call her back!” Sydney grabs at the phone again but it’s too late.

 

“Hey mom!” Ali says into the phone. “Let me just step outside so I can hear you better.” And with that she’s out the door, and away from Sydney’s interrogation.

 

***

 

Alex struggles through the door of her and Ashlyn’s dorm room, immediately dropping her bags to floor with a thud. Ashlyn, who had been asleep atop the blankets of her bed, jolts awake and stares wide-eyed and confused at her roomate.

 

“Sorry!” Alex says realizing that she’d disturbed her friend.

 

“No, it’s cool.” Ashlyn yawns. “I just didn’t recognize where I was for a minute.”

 

“Well, you do usually nap is Ali’s room.” Alex offers. “Is she not back yet?” Alex notes the rarity of Ashlyn’s presence. “Couldn’t make it through the week, huh?” Alex looks at Ashlyn sympathetically.

 

“I had a great time, thanks for asking.” Ashlyn rolls her eyes. “We got back a little while ago, I think Ali’s in her room if you’re looking for her.” She’s a little annoyed.

 

“Oh..okay thanks.” Alex replies, perplexed by Ashlyn’s response and mild irritation at the topic.

 

Alex focuses her attention back to the pile of bags on the floor and she hops over them to the other side to start rifling through one of them. She pauses after a moment and looks back at Ashlyn.

 

“Are you okay?” Alex asks. “Is everything cool between you and Ali?”

 

“Hmm?” Ashlyn asks back, her eyes closed again.

 

“You usually spend your time in Ali’s room if she’s around so I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.” Alex explains.

 

“Oh, yeah.” Ashlyn says casually. “we’re good.”

 

“Okay.” Alex nods. She goes back to her bag and pulls out two strangely folded sweatshirts from her bag. “I brought booze!” She says excitedly.

 

“What? No wine?” Ashlyn teases.

 

“I brought champagne too but I’m saving it for mimosas.” Alex replies, unwrapping the bottles and placing them on her bed.

 

“Right, of course.” Ashlyn says with mock-seriousness.

 

“But these guys,” Alex pats the bottles, “are ready to have a last hurrah before classes start again and we have to make that final push to winter break.”

 

“Sounds like a blast.” Ashlyn says distractedly. She glances down at her phone that had just vibrated with a text. “I’ve gotta go meet this girl.” She types out a quick reply and grabs her jacket. “See you later.”

 

Alex just shakes her head as the door closes behind Ashlyn.

 

***

 

“Alright, ladies, listen up!” Sydney calls over the chatter of the room “Grab a drink and join the circle!”

 

Sydney and Alex hand out  plastic cups as all the girls from their floor start to find a seat.

 

“Where’s Pookie?!” Allie asks as she sits down more on Tobin than next to her.

 

“Oh, she’s out with some girl. You know Ashlyn.” Alex rolls her eyes.

 

“She’s out with someone?” Ali asks quietly.

 

“Another one of her hookups I’m sure.” Alex laughs. “She left campus for a week, she probably has a waiting list!”

 

“Oh, yeah!” Ali forces a laugh. Sydney eyes her, reading the disappointment on her face before Ali can turn her back to avoid her.

 

“What are we going to play?” Camila asks, sitting down beside Ali.

 

“Never Have I Ever!” Emily shouts excitedly.

 

“Yes!” Kelley agrees. “Let’s do it!”

 

“Everyone good on the rules?” Alex asks.

 

“Are we playing fingers and drink?” Emily asks. “Or the honor system?”

 

“I don’t trust any of you!” Allie shrieks. “Fingers!” She demands.

 

“Alright, fingers and drinks it is.” Alex agrees. “If you’ve done the thing, you take a drink and put down a finger. first person to run out of fingers loses.”

 

“Who starts?” Kelley asks.

 

“Can’t start without me.” Ashlyn says grabbing a cup off of the desk-turned-bar and dropping herself to the floor beside Sydney.

 

“Date over already?” Syd asks with a judgemental look on her face. “Must not have been very good.”

 

“I wasn’t on a date, Sydney.” Ashlyn says with a shake of her head.

 

“Yeah, I guess it doesn’t count if you don’t buy her dinner first, right?” Sydney mutters.

 

“Sydney!” Ali scolds in a whisper with an elbow to her roomate’s side.

 

“Are you drunk already, Syd?” Ashlyn just laughs it off. “I was buying a textbook for next term from a girl who’s dropping out, if you must know. Couldn’t pass up a good deal.” She shrugs.

 

“Okay, I’ll go first” Alex refocuses the group. “Never have I ever lied about a family member’s death to get out of something.”

 

Sydney, Kelley, and Emily all take a drink.

 

“Really, Ashlyn?” Alex asks suspiciously.

 

“Really.” Ashlyn replies. “ I grew up in small town. You can’t lie about  something like that because everyone knows everyone.”

 

“Okay, my turn.” Sydney says with a mischievous smirk. “Never have I ever had secret feelings for a friend.”

 

Everyone drinks except Sydney and Alex.

 

“Never have I ever broken a bone.” Ashlyn says.

 

Ali, Kelley, Emily, and Monica drink.

 

“Oh!” Emily exclaims realizing it’s her turn. “Never have I have broken  _ someone else’s  _ bone!”

 

Only Tobin drinks.

 

“What?!” Ali and Allie say in unison.

 

“Not my sweet little Tobin!” Allie cries, dramatically throwing her arm around her friend.

 

“It wasn’t intentional.” Tobin shrugs. “It was on the pitch. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

 

“I bet she didn’t look forward to playing you again.” Emily comments.

 

“She was on my team.” Tobin admits.

 

“Oh, that’s cold, Tobs.” Kelley teases.

 

“I love this game.” Emily grins.

 

“Is it my turn?” Kelley asks.

 

“If you have to ask,” Ali starts.

 

“Then it’s probably your turn.” Kelley finishes for her. “Okay. Hmm.” She thinks a moment. “Never have I ever been on a high school royal court of any kind.”

 

Ali, Sydney, Alex, Allie, and Ashlyn all take a drink.

 

“None of those were surprises except Ash.” Emily says.

 

“Oh my god, tell me there are pictures.” Sydney squeals.

 

“There are.” Alex says excitedly.

 

“Prom? Homecoming? What’s your title?” Syd asks.

 

“Title?” Ashlyn scoffs. “Try _ titles.  _ Prom Queen and Snowflake Princess.”

 

“I can’t believe you have more crowns than me!” Ali says, incredulous, her eyes wide.

 

“When you got it, you got it.” Ashlyn grins back at Ali.

 

Ali stares a long moment and then drops her eyes to her drink cup, resting her head in one hand to try and hide the flush she felt creeping onto her cheeks.

 

“Never have I ever been trick-or treating.” Monica gets everyone but Camila.

 

“Never have I ever had stitches.” Camila

 

Surprisingly, only Ashlyn drinks. She holds up her left had to show the pink, raised line of a young scar. Ali had noticed it several times, but had never asked. “Car accident” was the only explanation Ashlyn offered.

 

By the end of the first round everyone had taken at least one drink, and they were all learning some very interesting things about each other. Round two, people started to try and take people out.

 

“Never have I ever participated in an equestrian competition.” Ashlyn says.

 

“Really?!” Alex protests. “We said no sabotaging one person!”

 

“We never said that.” Sydney says shaking her head.

 

“Well I think it should be a rule!” Alex says back.

 

“Drink up, sister.” Kelley taps her cup to Alex’s.

 

By round three it was clear to Ali, that Sydney was trying to get information out of her.

 

“Never have I ever kissed another girl.” Sydney says. She watches Ali carefully as she takes a drink.

 

Ali, in turn, tries to show Sydney she knows what’s going on, and she’s here to play.

 

“Never have I ever hooked up with a friend’s ex.” Ali says, staring Sydney down.

 

Finally, only one finger away from being out, Sydney goes for the jugular.

 

“Never have I ever kissed someone in this room.”

 

Sydney expects all eyes to go to Ali and Ashlyn but their sips seem to go unnoticed as the attention falls to Tobin and Alex.

 

“Excuse me?!” Allie asks in shock, staring back and forth between the two. “Explain!”

 

“Alex just likes to kiss people when she’s drunk.” Tobin explains.

 

“Yeah, well, Tobin doesn’t hate it either.” Alex adds.

 

After that shocking revelation, the game deteriorates into story hour starting with Tobin and Alex’s Halloween party kiss, and ending with Kelley’s Parent Signature Forgery business she ran in high school.

 

Sydney tries hard to corner Ali and get the details on the new information she’s just confirmed: Ali and Ashlyn have kissed. But Ali manages to dodge her for a solid hour before Sydney finally catches her making another drink.

 

“You can’t avoid me all night, Krieger. I know where you sleep.” Sydney grabs the bottle of rum from Ali’s hand before she can pour it into her diet coke.

 

“Avoid you? Why would I avoid my best and coolest friend?” Ali feigns ignorance.

 

“You and Ashlyn kissed. I want details.” Sydney demands.

 

“It’s not a thing, Syd.” Ali grabs the bottle back from Sydney and finishes making her drink.

 

“Oh, it’s definitely a thing.” Sydney replies. “You’re being weird about it. It’s a thing.”

 

Ali drops her voice to a whisper. “Look, we haven’t talked about it since it happened so I don’t really want to discuss this here.”

 

“No one is paying attention, Ali. They’re too drunk to care right now anyway. And Ash isn’t even in here anymore so, spill!” Sydney insists.

 

“What?” Ali jerks her head away from Sydney to look for Ashlyn. “Where did she go?”

 

“She said something about a smoke break.” Sydney answers. “Which is gross, by the way. You should tell her to knock that off.”

 

“I’ll be right back.” Ali says as she’s already headed to the door, ignoring Sydney’s pleas to stay and tell her everything instead.

 

***

 

Ali pushes the heavy metal door open that leads out to the little landing where she and Ashlyn had had their first serious talk. Ashlyn sits on the cold concrete with her legs dangling between the iron bars, smoking a cigarette.

 

“Feeling a little on edge, huh?” Ali sits down beside Ashlyn. “Pun intended.”

 

Ashlyn doesn’t look at Ali, but holds out the cigarette for her to take a drag.

 

“These things will kill you, you know that right?” Ali says as she exhales, the smoke swirling around between them.

 

“Something will eventually.” Ashlyn says with a humorless laugh.

 

“Hey.” Ali says seriously. She gently wraps her hand around Ashlyn’s arm and turns her slightly so she has to look at Ali. “What’s wrong?” Ali searches Ashlyn’s eyes. They’re heavy, sad, even a little scared.

 

Ashlyn shakes her head and forces a smile. “It’s nothing. I just got caught up in my head for a minute. Don’t worry.”

 

“What about?” Ali asks.

 

Ashlyn just shakes her head again, but unconsciously, she moves her hand to run her thumb over the scar on her hand.

 

“About this?” Ali says softly, gently running her own thumb over the perfect pink line.

 

“It’s stupid.” Ashlyn insists.

 

“If it’s weighing on you, it’s not stupid.”

 

Ashlyn looks at Ali as if she wants to say something, but doesn’t.

 

“Was it scary?” Ali asks. “The accident?”

 

Ashlyn sighs heavily. “It should have been.”

 

Ali is a little confused by the statement but she doesn’t ask for clarification.

 

“How long ago was it? The scar doesn’t look very old.”

 

“I guess about 6 months now.”

 

“Is that why you got your Jeep?”

 

“Yes and no. I had been working all year to save up to buy it. I was driving my mom’s old Honda Accord and she wasn’t going to let me take it to college.” Ashlyn laughs lightly. “She was  _ fucking pissed _ that I wrecked it.”

 

“What happened?” Ali feels nervous asking, but she knows there’s something here that Ashlyn needs to talk about.

 

“I was driving to work at the bowling alley one town over. It was a shitty job but they paid surprisingly well. I had worked there almost two years. I knew those roads with my eyes closed. It was this back way, where the the roads are a little more remote, and there’s this one really big curve along the way. I was going faster than I should have, but that’s what happens when you’re comfortable with a drive, you know? I come up on the curve and I just--I don’t--” Ashlyn drops her head and Ali sees a tear fall onto her jeans. Ashlyn wipes her eyes and clears her throat, pushing back all of the emotions trying to break free from inside her.  “I didn’t brake.” Ashlyn continues. “I didn’t turn. Not right away.”

 

“Jesus, Ash.” Ali says breathlessly. There was such a darkness in Ashlyn’s voice as she finished her story. Ali didn’t have to ask to know what Ashlyn was saying, but she pressed on.

 

“On purpose.” Ali states.

 

Ashlyn doesn’t respond right away. She lights the cigarette that had gone out in her hand and takes a slow drag before she starts again. She still doesn't look at Ali.

 

“I don’t know if it was quite like that.” Ashlyn hands the cigarette to Ali again. “I just had this thought like, what if I didn’t slow down? What if I just  _ didn’t _ anymore?”

 

Ali hands Ashlyn her drink and she takes a long drink.

 

“It wasn’t like I’d been planning anything. I just felt so tired, you know? I’d done everything I could to get to that point. To graduate, to get into college, to earn money to get out of that shitty little town and get away from my parents. But what if it didn’t matter? What if it ends up being for nothing and I never amount to anything.”

 

“You already are something, Ashlyn. All the work you did to get here, that  _ is  _ something.” Ali leans around Ashlyn to look in her eyes. She grabs Ashlyn’s hands in her own and holds them tightly to her chest. “You are  _ so much _ , Ashlyn.” Ali says each word slowly, pouring her heart into each one so that Ashlyn might believe it.

 

“I didn’t really want to.” Ashlyn says quietly, finally looking Ali in the eyes as she speaks. “I realized once I heading towards the ditch that it wasn’t right. I turned the wheel but it was too little too late. My car went in the ditch and somehow back out again. I don’t really remember anything after I tried to turn. I don’t know if I just blacked out from panic or if I hit my head but suddenly I wasn’t moving  and everything was covered in this white powder. It took me a minute to realize it was from the airbags.” Ashlyn laughs, and it’s genuine this time. “At first, I was like ‘is this what they mean by seeing a white light? What a let down!’”

 

“You did not!” Ali laughs.

 

“I did! I swear on my great grandma’s beads that that was the first thing I thought.” Ashlyn insists.

 

“Well it’s nice to know you’re true to yourself even in crisis situations.” Ali grins at Ashlyn. She sees the light returning to her eyes and the heaviness leave her body.

 

“Then I had to figure out how to get out of the car.” Ashlyn continues. “The stereo was in the backseat, and I wasn’t wearing my flip flops anymore. I couldn’t open any of the doors but I finally crawled into the backseat and managed to kick the back passenger-side door open enough to get out.”

 

“That sounds terrifying.” Ali says with a shudder.

 

“It was more bizarre than anything else.” Ashlyn replies. “I just remember standing in the middle of the road, my car is completely totaled, and there’s not a scratch on me beside the gash on my hand. It didn’t make any sense.” Ashlyn says, still awed by it.

 

“I’m really glad you’re okay.” Ali says.

 

“Me too.” Ashlyn nods.

 

“If you--you know you can talk to me, right?” Ali struggles to get the words out.

 

“I’m not there anymore, Ali. I promise.” Ashlyn grips Ali’s hands tighter. “But I know you’re here for me. Thank you.”

 

“This probably sounds really stupid,” Ali rolls her eyes at herself, “but I think you’re my best friend.”

 

“You  _ think _ ?!” Ashlyn pretends to be offended. “I’m like the coolest person you know!”

 

“Don’t tell Sydney that.” Ali throws her head back in laughter, finally feeling the balance return between them. They still haven’t discussed the kiss, or what it means, but for now, Ali is just grateful that she has Ashlyn in her life at all.

 

“Hey, Ali?” Ashlyn asks. She’s more timid than she usually is.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Alex is drunk so you know she’s going to call her boyfriend to come pick her up.” Ashlyn starts. “Would you, uh,” She hesitates a moment, “would you stay in my room tonight? ”

 

“Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> What other Never Have I Ever situations do you see for these girls? 
> 
> Are they ever gonna talk about that kiss???
> 
> Let me know!

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Questions? Favorite parts?
> 
> Let me know what you think! Your comments always help me out in the writing process! 
> 
> As always, come find me at letter-know.tumblr.com


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